The Story of a Girl...

writer's block

2006-09-11T22:41:00.000-07:00

i wonder if it is writer's block or it's plain downright procrastination that's why i haven't written anything for so long. i'm quite busy these days with school and i had to quit the job i just got because of school. well for some good news i just finished first term and i have three more to go. YEHEY!!!

i do wonder sometimes about things i didn't do... things i hesitated to do... things i regret not doing...

i wonder what could have happened if i did things the other way...

but one can't live on the past... i know... one can't get stuck in a moment or else one doesn't grow...

"i'm not perfect" --- a line i always say when i swing back to down mood. it's a very lame excuse for humans when they make mistakes. i have made this theory on my mind regarding humans using this as an excuse when i watched U.S. of Leland which is a great movie on my opinion (i gotta watch it again though) just so that i could talk furthermore or justify my opinion.

i miss a lot of things, a lot of people, a lot of places... and it makes me wonder... makes me think about "what if's"...

2006-09-11T22:39:00.000-07:00

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.

You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time.

You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.

You'll fight with your best friend.

You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.

You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.

So take too many pictures,

laugh too much,

and love like you've never been hurt...

because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back...

lucky you... unlucky me... literally...

2006-07-20T18:47:00.000-07:00

and so what a bad day again for me to get another ticket (well atleast its just a parking ticket) eventhough!!!

well i got the highest grade on my 2 quizzes today but still there had to be a bad event occuring just to ruin it... ayayay... and it hasnt even been 2 weeks since i got my speeding ticket...

how unlucky...

bring me back my luck... whoever took it!

a life i was never used to...

2006-07-19T20:51:00.000-07:00

i have gathered all my belongings and stacked them up in boxes. i never thought my life, my memories, things i have collected in the span of time ive been here could all fit in a box. it sounds sad to me because i never had to pack. i lived in one house when i was young til i matured into a lady. now i am moving to another house again just right after a year of being here...

i think its just the feeling of stability that im trying to find right now. the feeling i had once when i was in the philippines. having a home... not just a house.

i am all worried about my expenses too because im just waiting for my bill to come from the speeding ticket i got last week and im hoping so bad that its not that big of an amount...

anyways i got a job last week too. its a telemarketing job and i feel like finally i have a job but then i feel like its not what i want to. i cant stop being so conscious about the way i talk for some odd reason i just dont feel comfortable and my pessimistic side is kickin' in again hich is not so good. i dont know what to do about this.

why cant i just read the future...

i take it back...

so i go to another journey... another house...

and become...

a gypsy...

me and my speeding ticket... :-(

2006-07-08T22:54:00.000-07:00

I believe that your whole mood in the morning right when you wake up affects your whole day and I think I just had one of my worst… Start it off with waking up pretty late for school then getting a speeding ticket on the way to the hospital (for school). It just ruined my whole day because I just can’t stop thinking of a way to tell my dad and to figure out how to pay for the ticket if I don’t tell him. So I just have this headache about the whole thing that transpired today. I cannot count anymore how many times I said the word “pissed” today like I just say “I’m so pissed!” over and over and over again.

Anyways looking onto the bright side at least I have learned my lesson that one should follow the rules whether someone is looking after you or not.

I am still tired from school as usual. I think it’s really because I still haven’t accepted it but then for me the greatest gift I get from nursing is getting complements from your patient. I remember yesterday how two patients of mine made my day because they told me that I was caring and very gentle and that I’m not like the other nurses that just do their job and not even have the compassion. At least I get the fulfillment from helping them and making them feel better and now I have to care for somebody more than myself and think about them and how they feel before me. Though I won’t be able to teach special children I can still make other people feel special just by taking care of them. It really feels fulfilling… Feels very good and overwhelming.

I think I will figure things out in time… Life is a gift from God and it’s a huge humungous puzzle that we figure out as we age and we understand more of it and we see that it isn’t that complex at all. I may stumble and fall sometimes but it’s all a part of living.

My lesson for the day is Newton’s third law stating that in every action there is an equal reaction…

2006-07-06T07:02:00.000-07:00

I feel like I’m losing focus on things that I have to prioritize. I had to wake up at 3 a.m. to study but I didn’t. I woke up around 6 a.m. I know I would still be able to make it at school but then I don’t know anything for the test. I only have 3 days of school and on my spare time I don’t study that’s why I feel so bad cramming and not having enough time. I know it’s something I should work on but I guess part of it is because it not what I want to do. Sometimes I don’t know anymore how to convince myself that I could do this.

I do want to be good at what I do but I think I just need a break from it. Every time I go to school I feel like the same thing is going to happen. It feels like I just don’t see myself doing it in the future and it bothers me because it has been an issue with me since I started this. The contemplations I go thru just drives me crazy. I always feel baffled when it comes to this issue. I am clueless and I need somebody to save me…

my anniversary...

2006-07-03T22:45:00.000-07:00

I can still remember events that have transpired a year ago… they’re still very clear on my mind. A week before July 3rd 2005 was when I got a phone call from the embassy telling me that my passport is ready for pick up. I never expected it to be that soon but I wanted to leave as soon as possible so I could get it over with. I remember how sad I was being alone in the Philippines and wanting to leave the country so bad but after my realizations I felt deep inside me that it was there I was meant to stay. It is my home and always will be. No matter what the struggles the Philippines made me go thru, I still became strong and independent.

July 2 was when I went clubbing with my friends. It still hasn’t sinked in me that I’m leaving the next day and it seemed like a normal Saturday night out for me. I remember all my friends surrounding me and telling me they’re going to miss me but all that was in my mind was that I’m going back… All that I wanted to think about was that I’m going back…

So after my night out I woke up pretty late on July 3rd then I started packing. My friends Dana and Eya went to my place to say their goodbyes but we didn’t even cry because everybody thought or knew I was going back. Time came when I had to say goodbye to my house, my yaya and Geir. I don’t know why tears suddenly came running down my cheeks. I didn’t want to hug them nor look at them. I cannot stand seeing them cry and I cannot let them see my weakness. But for some odd reason I felt like it was going to be the last time that I will see them. I wasn’t wrong…

First few months in America are one of the saddest moments in my life. I think it’s because my heart wasn’t entirely here. My mind and my heart are what I forgot to bring with me from the Philippines. I think it’s because I was expecting to go back and I have no closures with people I left back home. I wasn’t even able to say goodbye to most of my friends. I wasn’t even able to bring things that meant a lot to me. My whole 18 years of life is what I have left behind…

It’s a funny coincidence that my first day in America right after the airport I saw the Santa Monica Beach and I fell in love with it quickly so I went there on my first day and today that I celebrate my first year here I only realized it when I was at Santa Monica Beach again when my stepmum reminded me about it.

Now that I mark down my first year in America, I look back on memories that have made me who I am today. I know that a lot of things have changed me and I know that I am a better person now because of my past. I do not regret being here anymore. What I regret is failing to look at things in a brighter side. I mean this is a blessing in disguise and it has taught me a lot of things. God gave me the opportunity to start anew… to start things right… to have a new life and not everybody gets the chance to do something like that. I know that this is just another of God’s tests and I just had to overcome it to be stronger and to have more faith and trust in Him. I have now accepted that this is my home but it doesn’t mean I have forgotten the place where I came from. I will never forget the Philippines but I refuse to live on my past. I love the Philippines that will never change and I will be forever thankful to my country for making me who I am. I will forever be thankful to all my friends whom I have shared my good times and the bad. I will forever be thankful to God for letting me experience what it’s like to grow up in Pinas… what it’s like to be a Filipino…

love what you do vs. do what you love

2006-06-27T22:38:00.000-07:00

i have started with my clinicals at school and i am also starting to question myself. should i do what i love or just love what i do? i have been baffled lately and bombarded by this question in my head. i have been spending my days and my spare time reading my books for school or sitting on my couch watching filipino telenovelas or american reality shows which is in a way a lil bit sickening...

my mouth and my brain has ran out of words to make out stories... all that circulates in my head are nursing, theory, clinical, patients and a lot of things in relation to...

i remember the first clinical wherein i saw a colostomy and take note it didnt have a bag and i kinda shaked, almost in a crying state.

then i remember just last week how i didnt feel aything when i saw a dead person in the hospital.

i honestly have no idea what the future holds for me. i dont know if in the long run ill be able to love what i do and forget about doing what i love... i pray to god for his guidance though... i hate questioning myself about my decisions... i hate being unsure...

2006-06-09T23:59:00.000-07:00

It’s so surprising how I have become a walled person… I would say I wasn’t like this before and I was always willing to give my all but then after a rigorous journey of failed relationships I think I got tired of it. I do not regret anything in my life and I do not regret the people I have chosen to love but then I have become just like them… completely walled… that’s why things didn’t work out… I have become completely walled… unwilling to give.

Now that I have found the right person, the one I have always been waiting for, the one I asked God to lead my way to, the one I know and feel that I have loved the most, I am taking it for granted. I am letting go.

I was losing hope. I gave up on my prayers. Nothing mattered to me anymore as I immersed myself with my friend… vodka that is… Then I saw a poem I wrote for Tommy. I broke down into tears prayed to God and asked him for guidance fro the both of us. I believe that he didn’t lead us to each others way for nothing. I asked for forgiveness then I felt him watching over me again telling me everything will be okay. Telling me he’s there to stop my crying. Telling me to stop pushing him away…

Come what may… whatever it is that’s meant to happen will happen… I never thought I could love him this much and I had no idea it was going to hurt a thousand times more too but if he’s letting go I will accept it whole heartedly though it will hurt me… that’s how much I love him.

I love him too much to let him go… far too much to let him fly…

Sometimes one has to get hurt to be able to love… one has to let go to accept… one has to cry her heart out to smile and laugh once more… one has to lose her battles to gain courage and strength to fight again…

Life is a series of never ending trials and tribulations but it doesn’t mean one gives up… it only means one has to try harder… the you live and appreciate things more…
It works the same way with loving too…
I’m not giving up on the person I love the most.

2006-05-29T01:20:00.000-07:00

The flowers you gave have all dried up...
Even the smile I once had on my face...
I carefully think of words to write...
But all I can think about's your kisses, your face, your touch. your warm embrace...
The world is telling me to fear not of seeing you once again...
But I still cannot understand...
How do i let go of someone as beautiful as you?
How do I live?
How do I love again?

The day you said i love you... the day I say goodbye...

2006-05-28T06:55:00.000-07:00

It was a silent moment for both of us as were lying down with my head facing his… I closed my eyes and whispered to him how much I loved being with him… he didn’t answer…
Then I heard him saying my name – “April… April…” I responded by opening my eyes and looking into his…
His eyes seemed restless… tired… but they were sparkling… like the candles burning into the night surrounding our bed… He looked straight into my eyes as I was awaiting for what he had to say…
Then I hear these words…
“I love you…”

I turned my back thinking to myself if I should tell him how much I really love him but I was frightened not because I do not love him but because I do very much but my head and my mind is telling me to just let him go. I turned back and faced him, looked at him wanting to say those words back but before I could speak a word he told me how he has been thinking of saying it to me but he was just waiting for the right time. I asked him – “please make sure first that you do then tell me again after you think about what you just said…” but then he said he was sure. I was silent… though I had a smile on my face … I closed my eyes… took a deep breathe… looked at him straight in his eyes…
then I told him I love him…

In the span of time we have shared together I think this would probably be the most important moment. A moment I would forever treasure. He made it so special and so perfect that I just couldn’t ask for more…

I feel like I ruined this special day though… he had planned this weeks ago and I forced him to tell me about it then I blushed when he did because it’s all sweet and perfect. The day before the 27th of May, I cried myself the whole night because my plans didn’t work out the way I wanted them to. I wasn’t angry just because I couldn’t get what I wanted… I was angry because I do not understand…

My dad and I argued… I feel angry because he wasn’t like this before and I do not have any idea why he’s stooping me or trying his hardest to be a father to me when It’s too late already. I mean I’ve already grown up and I’ve already gone thru the pain and heartaches and why would he even bother to make up for it now? I do not understand… I still pushed thru with the plan and I really didn’t want to go home. I felt alone… I felt held up in the neck too tight… I felt unhappy… I felt down… I wanted to be with the person that takes all that away from me and shows me how beautiful life is… It’s so amazing too how life works and how God put people in your life. I mean I never imagined that my new friends from school would even bother helping me out with my issues and dilemmas. I just know that whatever I’m deprived of God makes up for it… and I’m thankful for that…

My dad reacted the way I expected him to but then I didn’t even know I was grounded again for the second time and it was worst because I couldn’t use the phone and not even an internet access. I do understand it was my fault but sometimes in order for me to understand my dad, he has to understand me as well… just like how the telephone works… it works both ways… I feel so weak… I want to give up…

I always tried to please my dad… do everything for my dad… offer everything for him but then he never noticed that. I’m not even being sensitive about it because I got so used to it that it feels numb already. All this time I have been doing things for my family but then do they care? I mean I think I should do it for myself now. Everything was for them but things I do would always go unnoticed… I would always be second best to my dad… I was never treated like I am the best for him or special for him… it never worked that way… I was just a kid he never wanted in the first place… His kid that he can’t stand seeing… These past few years I have been trying to patch up my relationship with him but these past few years brought me nothing but pain. For the first time in my life I am giving up on my dad. I am accepting the fact that maybe that’s all he wants to be and all he could be. That I will and always be second best… I just hate how this affects me… I have always let it affect me and things I do. I mean I do feel numb most of the time and I just hate it when I cry and I feel alone… I don’t want to feel that way anymore… I don’t want him to make me feel that way…

Over and over I have proven to myself I am my refuge… I am my home… I will always end up with myself…

Tommy makes me happy… he takes all these pain and makes them smiles, laughter and happiness… He is as important as my sister to me right now… I am scared of things not working out because I don’t want to be left alone again…. I don’t think I could take that very well…. I hate though of letting him go though but I don’t know if it’s the best for him… if its something I should do… for him… if I should instigate it…

All I know right now is that I love him unconditionally and all that matters to me is making me happy… even if it means saying goodbye… letting him go…

2006-05-24T20:59:00.000-07:00

my beautiful roses from my tommy!!!

2006-05-24T20:55:00.000-07:00

2006-05-24T20:50:00.000-07:00

may 24 2006

you're beautiful...

2006-05-24T20:36:00.000-07:00

Tommy made this day very special for me that no words can depict or explain how I feel. It’s just one of those moments that I’ll never forget. One of those moments that one should always go back to, reminisce and never let go.

I didn’t really care what our status was or is because all I cared about is being happy with each other, content and most of all and having the respect for each other. I think for me I would rather have that (happiness, contentment and respect) than having the status and none of these. He made me feel secure; he makes sure he knew what I was feeling may it be negative or positive; he wraps me around his arms and tells me over and over how much he loves being with me; he made me feel beautiful in ways that he’s not even doing on purpose. I could talk all day long and not run out of reasons why I love being around him, why I feel carefree when I’m with him, why I feel so beautiful because of him, why I feel so smart when we converse. I don’t know but whatever reasons I had before that was trying to pull me back from being with him or even wanting to be with him was just not worth it. I would rather go thru the ups and downs with him. I would rather take the risks again than not know him at all. Those reasons weren’t good enough to stop me from wanting to know him better and good thing is that I didn’t listen to myself because if I did I wouldn’t be here talking or writing about him. I would be alone talking of words that have nothingness in between them.

So my whole point is… we’re together now. I can’t stop smiling. I can’t believe I can’t remove this smile on my face.

It was so funny how he goes like okay May 24, 2006 at around 2:30 a.m. we became “us” and I go like we’re so dorky and he’s so dorky but he’s so cute when he does that.

So in the afternoon I got a call from him saying that he’s passing by my place real quick and I’m like go home and study because I know he has a lot of things to do but then I let him pass by because I missed him so much and when I saw him walking towards me he had these beautiful yellow roses and I was blushing too much that’s why I told him he’s so baduy but like I really felt special just seeing him walk towards me carrying those roses. I even told him in a joke kind of way that yellow roses meant friendship and I go like so you want to be friends and he’s like stop it and there’s a reason why they’re yellow so hold on to your horses and I’m like yeah I believe you then I handed him a letter I made for his birthday as well. I don’t know why I’m just so excited and I just want to see him all day and just stare at him too. I just can’t believe I am this happy. It’s been such a long time…

I really want this to work and I know I’m going to try my best to make it work. He’s too special for me to let go. I know that our meeting has a reason and a purpose and I know that we will influence each other to be a better person and help influence people around us as well.

I am not scared of what the future holds for us because I know we will get thru the ups and downs… together. Together we will make it thru.

I thank God for leading my way to Tommy. I thank God for sharing with me such a beautiful person, his child Tommy. I thank God for Tommy’s life and for mine as well and I know that we will use the life that we were blessed with to help others and offer everything to God… I thank God for this happiness I’m feeling right now because I don’t even think I deserve it. He's so good to me that he lead me to Tommy's path and until now he watches over me and Tommy too…

2006-05-20T21:11:00.000-07:00

you

2006-05-20T21:03:00.000-07:00

i never thought

i'd meet someone like you

i am inlove

with all the things you do

and at times i felt like giving up

you totally changed my view

i ask myself can all this be true?...

but i'll still do anything

and everything just to be with you

i'll fly any plane

and drive to any road

if it leads me back to you

though i tried to say goodbye

but i just can't let you go

you mean so much to me

you're that someone i've been waiting for...

i'll take the risk

and i'll fall for you

i know i could get hurt again

but it's all worth going thru

and when i thought love ain't real

God gave me you

and i say to myself it's too good to be true...

but i'll still do anything

and everything just to be with you

i'll fly any plane

and drive to any road

if it leads me back to you

though i tried to say goodbye

but i just can't let you go

you mean so much to me

you're that someone i've been waiting for...

and i'll do anything

and everything

so i can be with you

i will always find a way

i'll find my way

that would lead me back to you

we'll share the ups and downs

together we'll make it thru

you're all that i'm wanting

you're all that i'm needing

i just know it's you...

2006-05-18T21:01:00.000-07:00

me and my tommy :-)

2006-05-18T20:59:00.000-07:00

still studying...

2006-05-18T20:57:00.000-07:00

studying...

2006-05-18T20:55:00.000-07:00

mother's day

2006-05-18T20:48:00.000-07:00

my tommy

2006-05-18T20:47:00.000-07:00

my tommy

a week of reading...

2006-05-18T20:42:00.000-07:00

I spent my week reading for this Thursday’s lesson and studying with Tommy at night. Reading the whole week sounds so dorky but yeah that’s all I did except for last mother’s day which was my father’s birthday wherein I went out with Tommy to eat dinner with his family but too bad his mom didn’t make it though. Finally me being grounded will end this week too and I’m kind of excited because at least I can go out again because school is making me go crazy big time. My sister went back to San Diego last week and the house just freaking sounds and feels empty now that she’s gone. I miss her so much. I miss hugging my sister at night and just seeing her and seeing her smile that brightens up my day. I am so surprised of knowing I could love a person as much as I love my sister. I mean to think we just met but then it feels like we are intertwined to each other and it’s just amazing. These are things that have transpired this week. Well nothing great or big but I’m actually happy because I got to spend time with my sister, my grandmother and Tommy too.

So people close to me have been bugging me about Tommy and asking me if we’re together. Well we’re not but honestly right now I don’t think it matters that much to me. It’s just so inconsequential to me. I just think that whatever status or whatever relationship we have right now is perfect, well close to perfection. I think all that matters to me is that we are both happy to be with each other. We share experiences and memories and we help each other, in short we add up to each other’s completion and happiness. No words or status could take that away from the both of us. I also feel like it’s really good for the both of us that we are waiting and being patient with this relationship because it’s just like a flower that you wait to bloom or a fruit that you wait for it to ripened and by saying this waiting and being patient helps our relationship grow and mature I guess… I’m not as scared as I was like weeks ago because everything in life is a risk. If I stumble, fall hard and flat on my face then I’ll stand up again and know that the next time I’ll be a better and stronger person. I’ll also be happy that I got to be with Tommy well if it doesn’t work out but I’m not thinking like a pessimist about this. Happiness is a choice and now I choose to be happy.

I bet if I read my posts before I would sound so mad at my dad but like now it’s all gone in my head. I have just become this person that learns to let go of the anger inside me because it doesn’t really make me feel any better, it doesn’t make me a better person and I don’t want to end up insecure because I’ve been keeping grudges deep inside of me. I think it’s a good thing that I have learned to forgive, live and just let go. Still to err and feel is human and I am one.

Right this moment thoughts twirling inside my head are about my career choices. So I’m on to becoming maybe a LVN, RN, RN-BSN, or whatever nurse with a specialty and because of today’s lecture I feel like maybe it’s not all about the money. This has never been my dream but then maybe I’m meant to do it. God is guiding me and maybe this is my calling. It gets hard yes it does but then everything in life is hard and something that one has never worked hard for is not really appreciated but then that’s just my opinion. I’m thinking that when time comes and I’m already taking care of people, I’m just wondering how it would feel in a way that I am surrounded with sickness or illness, people deteriorating right before my eyes, people getting weak and most of all death. I am really unsure of how I would react to this and how I would take it.

I just want to help people and I want to see them get better. I want to see smiles around me from my patients because those are the priceless moments. Moments that can never be paid with money or replaced by money…

What I’m sure of is that I do like what I’m doing right now, I am happy 100% with what I have and with myself as well, I am complete, I am whole and that God is with me all the time...

2006-05-10T19:28:00.000-07:00

my baby sis and me ;-)

2006-05-10T19:27:00.000-07:00

my tommy, my baby sis and me

a week of ups and downs...

2006-05-10T19:24:00.000-07:00

This week has been a mix of fun and emotional breakdowns for me and I am still grounded though and I have one week to go….

My stepmum explained to me why my dad reacted in a bad way when I got home and she said like my dad would let me go anytime just that I didn’t tell him I was going home late that’s why it made him real furious… I mean I understand, I just told her that I’m not justifying what I did because I know I was wrong just that I didn’t like the way he talked to me and how he made me feel like he’s pushing me away. On a good note she said my dad and my family liked Tommy which was good and it cheered me up.

I think whatever I have with Tommy is getting deeper but then I am in a way scared of these kind of feelings. I don’t know… I’ll let time lay it out in front me so I can figure things out. It was sweet of him because he gave me a cd of Goapele after we watched the movie. I don’t know why I find myself missing him more and more as each day passes me by…

Anyways this week I watched Silent Hill with my family and Tommy and it was the worst movie I have watched this year. The worst thing about it was I lost my cell phone it the theatre and I love that phone because I have taken so many pictures from that phone right before I left the Philippines. I don’t really want to think about it anymore because when I lose something I just want to think to myself that I am going to get something better but then I can’t take the feeling away because it has a sentimental value you know.

I also cut my hair too short and I don’t want to think about it too…

I really don’t have much to say because I have to prepare for my finals and I’m getting real anxious and nervous about it. I also got into this argument with my instructor and my Filipino classmates. I don’t want to say I hate them… What I hate about them is how they act…

Ay caramba I need to do some studying…

no love, no glory...

2006-05-05T23:07:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am turning into a hard stone…

I cannot remember the last time I cried myself to sleep… I guess it has been a long time that I have not given any thoughts or talked about my feelings and problems neither to anyone nor to myself. I am that type of person. All my life I have been used to relying to nobody else but me. I have been used to people I love the most leaving me. Don’t pity me for that though because I won’t be who I am right now if not because of accepting my trials and difficulties. I just didn’t think I would still have tears to cry, I thought I was numbed already from all the pain and hardships I have gone thru… but then I was wrong. Right before the night ended, I talked to somebody close to me, somebody who is a part of the family and I found out that she already knows what transpired this early morning at home. I got into an argument with my father because I got home 6 am. I am not going to try to justify what I did because I know I did something wrong but I cannot take away the feelings I feel right now whether they maybe good or bad. I think my dad could have talked to me in a better way, I think it’s unfair that he’s being strict with me now because where was he when I needed him? Where was he when I was growing up? Where was he when I have become this insecure little girl because of my stepmother? He was nowhere to be found. I don’t think you can blame me for thinking these thoughts. I know I have gotten over it for sure. One has to shed away the old skin for the new one to come out? But people just can’t take away the pain that occurred in my life when I was younger. They will always be a part of me. They will forever be a mark that even though I want them to be erased, they are permanent. Lasting…

Right now I’m just thinking to myself that my dad and I fought because he just cares for me but if he cares for me why wouldn’t he understand me? Why wouldn’t he even try? Why just now?

I am furious not because I got grounded or I can’t go out real late. I am furious because I want him to look at himself and think real well of the way he treated me and the way he treats me now. I want him to realize than even though all my childhood years he wasn’t there, I have grown up to be a daughter that he can be proud of. A daughter that chose to walk the straight path though she may have strayed, stumbled and have fallen hard, still she was able to pick herself up. Maybe I just want to know why he cares with my life now when he made me used to the feeling of him not being around.

I don’t think sheer suffering alone teaches a person because if it did then all of us would have the gift of wisdom and shrewd. There’s something more to sheer suffering. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable. I think that just going thru the pain and suffering isn’t enough to teach you in life because there must be an acceptance that comes with that, just like the acceptance we give to happiness when it knocks on our doors.

I am tired of getting hurt but I’m tired of thinking and being scared too. I have made my decision to just let myself go. I want to love like it’s never going to hurt. I know it hurts to love again and again. It hurts to take the risk and fall flat on your face. It hurts when you leave the one you love the most. It hurts to love and see or feel that slowly fading away. Seeing or feeling that the relationship isn’t going anywhere. All these don’t matter to me anymore. I want to live and let go. I want to love and care for another person and not just myself.

God sure has his ways of letting you see sunshine after the storm. Letting you know that there are people who care and not just the ones you worry too much about for not caring about you…

Even though this day is like one of the worst days I’ve ever had in America, I’m not enraged. The more I appreciate it because I come to realizations that clear my mind of doubts and fears. Realization that help me take the leap and get over the past and look forward to the future.

And so I thought I have turned into a hard stone… Maybe not all of me…

2006-05-05T17:47:00.000-07:00

rhentz, erin and me

2006-05-05T17:45:00.000-07:00

rhentz and erin :-)

Intricacies…

2006-05-04T22:39:00.000-07:00

Here I am making my thoughts so complex again… It has been a long time since I have deeply loved another person. I am not saying I am right now but I’d probably would sooner or later. How did it become complex to me? It’s because I have been thinking about he same person all day long. I have been missing that person all day long. I have been wanting to see and talk to that person all day long. What is so complicated about that? That is not what I want. I don’t want to get attached because I don’t want to get hurt. I know that if I let myself fall in love again… The same thing would just happen. Oh I’m such a pessimist, and I have been saying that all day long. I’m like what if there’s something behind the idea of going out with me? What if he wants to just play around? What if… My never ending what if’s…

I guess I’m just really frightened… I guess it’s because I’m tired of getting hurt and losing the people I love most…

reaction

2006-05-03T13:45:00.000-07:00

I appreciate the advice teej but I just think you need to know everything first so you truly understand what I mean. Indeed life here in America is way simpler than life in the Philippines filled with so much drama and bullshit. I don't even worry as much as I did when I was back home worrying on how i'm going to pay the bills or how i'm going to get the money to eat or go to school but then I had people to lean on to... In the span of time I have been here it was just work or school and nothing to do with men or circle of friends because I don't think I don't think I have both anyways. I've been so focused with work or school that sometimes I feel alone because I am really and I remembered what you said regarding happiness being a choice and I guess the whole time I've been in this country, I have chosen to be alone, sad and at times pity myself and it's just not right and I know I have to get back on track and take a hold of my life because I'm lossing ME meaning I wasn't like this before (down and sad) I used to be so talkative and full of laughter and silly jokes and I have to go back to ME...

I honestly think i have moved on specially with the idea whirling in my head since july 2005 that I will still go back to my homeland and live a simple life, a life I'm used to living. I know that everything in life is not easy and the harder you work the more you appreciate things around you but then you can't take my nostalgia away from me. It will be a part of me forever...

I just think regarding the issue with my dad is that I don't feel like I'm growing as a person. I hate relying on other people so I could do stuff and get around the place even like the simplest stuff that friends would pick me up and we'll hang out and chill, I hate the fact that they have to pick me up because I feel like in a way it's depending on them to bring me around. I'm not used to that. I've been used to taking the jeepneys, a cab or the bus to take me from point A to point B.

I'm not used to relying on my dad. i never relied on him. I think I have been used to feeling alone almost all my life and sometimes I choose to be alone instead. I'm too scared of commitments because I'm scared that people will leave... Just like my life when I was young. Me finding my mom doesn't mean everythings perfect now... It doesn't mean I don't feel alone... I only feel worst... I don't know... It saddens me after I read what I have written. To me it feels like i'm reading another person's blog because I never realized I am this sad inside of me... I just write and write and at the end it seems like another person worte it because I have always been the type of person that doesn't show people her feelings. I'm used to hiding. I guess it seems to me that i'm also in a way lying to myself... I don't know anymore...

2006-05-02T21:55:00.000-07:00

Stop leaving and you will arrive.
Stop searching and you will see.
Stop running away and you will be found.
~Lao Tzu

frustrations

2006-05-02T21:38:00.000-07:00

There are times when I feel like I’m being held up by my dad so tight in the neck and I kind of wish I was still in the Philippines where nobody cared what I did or sometimes I wish I chose to stay with my mum instead because she doesn’t really mind me. I don’t know I know I’m the type of person that would get over this feeling quickly but I also know that whenever I would feel it again I get so mad and frustrated not only to myself but to my dad or my family. I don’t know I just hate days like this when I feel down.

I am kind of conscious of myself when I’m with new people or like I am not like what or who I used to be. In my opinion I was a carefree type of person when I was back in the Philippines where nothing really mattered and I don’t care about the way I act because I need not to please people around me. I don’t know. I don’t want to think like I lost a big part of me and who I used to be because I still am who I am and whatever I went thru or how I was before is still me but then it kind of feels that way. It’s like sometimes when I look to the mirror I don’t see the same person. I don’t have the same energy as I used to have before. Is it because I’m not used to being around new people here or because I choose to be this way? I don’t know. I feel like I just can’t move I mean I feel tied up I don’t know why but in a way I don’t feel free. I don’t want to think I’m caught up with memories from back home because for me it’s just not right… Just not…

I don’t know if I get too silent sometimes… I don’t know if I just have nothing to say… I don’t know about other people’s feelings towards me… I honestly don’t. All I know is that I wasn’t like this but I don’t know what changed me…

I just remembered teej’s quote that happiness is a choice… We are free to choose therefore if I feel so down right now I have chosen to be this way and not be happy. Now I’m like thinking that if I choose to see guys being all the same then I choose not to fall in love again… Right?

I think I just miss life being so easy or everything so easy for me back home. Taking a cab to go clubbing or even the bus to go to the beach and not worrying about school that much. Nobody even worries about work. I mean I wish life wasn’t that complicated here… It just gets sad sometimes…

constant ramblings...

2006-05-02T01:31:00.000-07:00

An article I just stumbled upon made me think more about the effects of immigrants, legal or illegal, staying in America. I have mixed feelings regarding this issue. In my opinion I think it’s kind of unfair to U.S. citizens or legal immigrants that illegal aliens are able to work and not have to pay the taxes because they don’t have their papers but then in my mind I’m like if they only had or have a chance of making things right I think almost all of them would fix their papers so they could work legally opening more opportunities for them even though they need to pay taxes it would still make their lives better than working illegally. Another side of me thinks that if the government would make it easy for illegal aliens to work in America then everybody would just migrate here because they think life here is way better than their native country or have the American dream instead of staying in their native country and I am not sure what effect it would bring to America if that happens. I mean I’ll put it this way, people in the Philippines thinks that life here is all that and easy and we would make jokes before that if the U.S. embassy would let Filipinos get visas I think almost everybody in the Philippines would move to America instead. Though the immigration issue is more looking onto the Mexicans or the America Mexico border I don’t think it makes a difference regarding people who came from like the Philippines on a tourist visa and they don’t come back home because for me they all stay here for a reason and that is wider range of opportunities and wanting to make their lives better. I don’t think it’s the right thing for the government to make a law that would make illegal immigrants as criminals but I think they do have to be punished in some way because it is indeed unfair for other people (punished but not treated or called as criminals because they still have done something wrong).

I liked this part though -- "You should send the entire 13 million aliens home, then you take all of the welfare recipients who are taking a free check and make them do those jobs," said Jack Culberson, a retired Army colonel who attended the Pensacola rally. "It's as simple as that." It does have a point. It’s like this the government of America will never know what they have till it’s gone meaning all the immigrants working here still makes up this country buttering each others bread but then for me I don’t know as well what the13 million illegal aliens migrating here would have an effect in this country I mean would it make America a worst place to live in? I don’t know that’s why I really couldn’t make a stand because I myself am not sure about the cause and effects in each others party. I can only give my opinion on it…

On a lighter note, I had fun today because I went out with this person I met and for some odd reason he makes me smile and because of that I am a little bit worried for myself. I just remembered like right now how pessimist I used to be because I would always tell myself before that good things never last but then what if I’m not right? What if good things last and they really happen to people who deserve it?
Just like what I always say I know how it feels to fall deeply in love but I also know how it feels to be left by the same exact person you love maybe that’s why I’m scared and I have always been after my failed relationships. I am still scared of taking risks because I don’t want to make a mistake and stumble and fall again because I might not be able to pick myself up anymore. Right now I’m just enjoying the feeling even though I can’t stop getting all paranoid, I still want to enjoy it…

I am sure I’ll find the right one… I’m not waiting for him because God will give me the person at the right time when I’m ready and willing to open up and love again. If this happened to me before I would be all hyped up and excited but now I’m not anymore coz’ I feel more nervous, tensed and paranoid than all mushy, sweet, sentimental and kilig. I still have no regrets with choices I have made in the past (may it be right or wrong) because I am who I am right now by learning from my mistakes… “Experience is the best teacher” and “What doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger”…

“It is easy to be pleasant when life flows by like a song, but the man worth while is the one who will smile when everything goes dead wrong. For the test of the heart is trouble, and it always comes with years, and the smile that is worth the praises of earth is the smile that shines through the tears.” –Irish Saying

2006-05-01T03:23:00.000-07:00

2006-05-01T03:20:00.000-07:00

There’s more to her than what meets the eye
You see a smile outside but she’s really crying inside
Take a look deeper into her and you will see
What her life has to offer…
Who and what she was…
And the person she can be…

She will be loved...

2006-05-01T03:14:00.000-07:00

Why have I become this pessimist cynic skeptic full of doubts type of person when it comes to meeting people in the sense that you try to build a relationship and get to know each other better? I guess part of me is tired of getting hurt after giving everything I could to make the relationship work. Part of me is scared because you don’t just give your time to the other person but also your emotions and that is just to end up in a failed relationship and realize that you have wasted so much time and efforts and energy by being with the other person. Part of me is hiding and fearful of sharing myself because I feel like I’m really not what or who they think I am or that idea they make up in their heads of who I am…

I don’t even know when to think that the other person likes me or wants something more than friendship because I don’t assume. I don’t want to fall in love or I would state it in another way and that’s I don’t want to fall hard for another person because I’m really scared of failing. I’ve lost so many battles already and I don’t think I still have the energy to continue fighting and continue being strong because the only strength I have is from within me, from what I have gone thru and what I have learned because of experiences. Sometimes one gets tired too… I’m only human… Like everybody else…

Sometimes I even get too paranoid that I feel like this other person likes me because its either there is a bet or his ego he needs to prove or he wants to get in my pants. I know it’s too paranoid but I’m just trying to stay away from guys. I have fallen in love and I know what it feels and I know it’s the best feeling but I also know how it feels to lose the person you love most and it’s the worst feeling. I have taken my risks and they lead me nowhere. They caused me nothing but pain. I have taken too much risks and I’m tired.

I don’t want to fight anymore and I feel like giving up… I guess I need somebody who will fight for me…

How this night ended is making me think... Making me think too much...

2006-04-30T18:20:00.000-07:00

my classmates: rhentz, erin then me :-)

my life or something like it...

2006-04-30T18:09:00.000-07:00

I’m caught up with thoughts if not much has been happening with my life or if I come to think of it there’s quite a lot and I still don’t know what to choose. I think this week I’ve had like one of the hardest exams I have ever taken in my whole life and that is the circulatory system (I think…It’s the system that has something to do with the heart and it pumping the blood) and respiratory system (which was not so bad). I think I just had a hard time with how the heart works because it just confused me big time! When I got my test paper I was just like SH*T I don’t remember anything not even what capillaries, veins or all the blood vessels. I just literally went BLANK! I don’t know if I should address it as a brain blackout or mental block because I don’t really believe that there’s such a thing as getting mental blocked.
I still passed though I got the lowest score I have ever gotten on my test in my current school which is 80%. Now I’m like thinking I should never go down 80%. I mean I just think I’m cutting myself some slack because I have been passing and I’m just being too comfortable and easy going and I shouldn’t really be acting that way that’s why I get nervous because deep inside me I know I’m not that ready to take my test.

I learned this quote from my teacher this week though and it meant a lot to me--- “to thyself be true”, It’s by Shakespeare and it just struck me I haven’t really been true to myself (that’s my opinion). I don’t want to elaborate because I don’t think I’m that ready to talk about it, to myself or to other people.

Anyways one of the important event that has transpired this week was me being able to talk to Teban… I know my closest of friends would react to this but yeah it was important to me being able to talk to him and just knowing he’s fine and doing well. It made me in a way feel happy because I’m happy for someone else, feel at peace knowing he’s doing good and be happy for myself because I am happy for him and because he’s not mad at me (well I think he’s not) and because I’m not holding any grudges against him or the person he’s with right now. So I’m just really happy.

I was also able to talk to Eya, Dana’s girlfriend, even though we didn’t really that long because it was just so hard to like contact both of them so I called Tebs instead. I was able to say hi and let them know I miss them. So that made my day as well.

Back to my topic of interest last week regarding meeting somebody from the internet, I liked how Erin, my classmate, said that it’s in a way not that good of an idea because you make up an idea in your head of the other person but get disappointed if it doesn’t turn out the way you were expecting it to be. Both of us didn’t have anything against it but still we had doubts about the whole idea.

I just wish one could just see straight into the person what his or her intentions are or if the person is real or not but yeah one couldn’t really do so. I just wish though…

I’ll just leave with a quote that would apply to partly what I felt when I talked to Teban… “The course of true love never did run smooth”…

2006-04-27T00:43:00.000-07:00

take me to paradise...

2006-04-27T00:30:00.000-07:00

Do you happen to know where paradise is?
A place where I can wander and feel at peace…
Where I can be me and smile all day long…
Just listening to the wind, singing my songs…

Do you happen to know where paradise is?
Where I’ll find serenity, it’s where I’ll find my bliss.
Where money is worthless and beauty is everywhere…
You’d definitely be in awe of its grandeur; you would definitely just stare….

Show me where it is, show me all the ways.
It is where my heart needs to stay.
Is it only a dream making it an unreachable star?
Ill do anything to get there no matter how far…

not all strangers are beautiful...

2006-04-25T21:30:00.000-07:00

I don’t think I have anything against meeting strangers or people that I really don’t know very well or not that acquainted to… but it doesn’t mean I have a penchant for doing so. In my opinion, one will never know when, where or how you meet the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with or even be the bestest of friends and that means I shouldn’t be against meeting or getting to know somebody one meets across the street, in a café or even in the internet because like what I said one will never know…
Do I or have I ever gotten to know somebody I’m really not acquainted to? Yes I have. I just think it’s the same thing from getting to know somebody from a friend’s birthday party or a family reunion just that you have whatever degree of separation between you and the person and I believe it makes one feel safer to get to know the other party.
Does thoughts of even being romantically inclined with somebody I just met or gotten to know better get to my head? No, not really. I mean I don’t really think I could give myself to another person right now because I’m not that ready yet, I don’t completely trust somebody I don’t know even though I agree with getting to know them better, and I don’t want to get hurt.
What makes me sad is that lately I’ve gotten to know this person the past few weeks but I’ve had a feeling of uncertainty though I tried to rub it off, still it won’t go away. I believe it was instinct that was telling me inside that friendship is all I want though his behaviors contradicts meaning it was more than “being friends” is what he really wanted. I did tell him about this (I actually tried explaining and having a conversation with the person) but at the end of it all he ended up being the biggest asshole I ever met in my whole entire life. I am not exaggerating. I actually felt bad because I sincerely liked the friendship and I still wanted to stay friends but I guess the person I have gotten to know better didn’t really exist. What do I mean by this? It was all an act. A thick façade or covering or layer I would say to just impress and hide imperfections that you don’t want people to see or find out about. I don’t want to lie anymore and give false hopes that’s why I just told him straight what I felt and what I thought would be better for both of us and I can’t do anything about it anymore if he couldn’t accept it. (It’s kind of funny how he gave me a birthday gift – a perfume - and now wants it back or at least his $40 back and I’m like I never asked for a birthday gift or anything material from him anyways. I’m like you can shove it up all on your arse because I don’t need it and I don’t run out of perfumes and it shows how low you can go down just for the sake of revenge or having your freaking $40 back and it’s not even a big amount of money. I didn’t even wanted it but I was just being respectful to him that’s why I didn’t even bother opening it in front of him because I don’t want having to owe somebody something so I don’t want to owe him anything just because he gave me a freaking birthday gift. I never even asked to go out with him he was always the one asking me out. I don’t mean to brag about this or end up being the one acting all bitchy but I’m just telling the truth. I never asked anything from him so I don’t owe him anything. Nothing at all. My friend just told me he was acting that way because he was pissed about the whole situation and because he’s a Caucasian but first of all- It doesn’t give him the right to disrespect me in any way nor judge me because I never judged him and I never gave him false hopes, second- I never asked anything from him… never, third- I am hoping that the way he acted doesn’t have anything to do with color but in my opinion it doesn’t, even though I don’t know a lot of Caucasians, because the way a person acts doesn’t only evolve around one’s skin color but how one was taught to by his or her parents, environment, school and other factors that may affect his or her character and personality.)
This kind of makes me a little scared to let people get to know me better or letting them be a part of my life. People I just met that is. I mean it’s just awesome that maybe one time you will see somebody in the street and end up with him or her or be friends with him or her or something in that kind but for me it’s quite different now. I mean I’m just scared. I’ve always been picky with my friends and people I surround myself with because I don’t want to waste my time sharing a part of myself to another person just to having my relationship (may it be a comradeship or romantic relationship) fail at the end of it all. It can be fighting with my bestfriend and forgetting the friendship ever existed or breaking up with my boyfriend of years and never communicating again just to waste all the years of being together and sharing a special relationship with each other. I don’t want to have a reason to put myself down. It’s my choice to have friends that I will cherish from now till the end of my life.
Meeting a stranger isn’t all that bad just because this occurred to me. I just think people should be extra cautious when getting to know people they don’t know very well or not know at all. It is ironic how you’ll never know when that person could be the one you’re supposed to be with for the rest of your life or be your bestfriend but you’ll never know if the person is also dangerous. How ironic.
This won’t let me down. It’s just another proof that we really should get to know people we become friends with or partners with and never trust a stranger completely. I don’t think I’m ready to let my guards down anyways. I’m just wondering (not looking forward to) when the knockout punch will be… funny…
One more incident I’ve been thinking about is that I emailed this person I used to have a long term relationship with telling him I hope we can be friends in the future because I felt like I don’t want to feel any grudges against him or anyone I know anymore so even though I’m not ready right now to be friends with him I just told him that maybe in the near future we could be. I hope it works out for the both of us and he hasn’t replied yet but I’m not waiting. I’m just happy with being sorry and getting over the bitterness and sadness because if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be as strong as I am right now. I wouldn’t even be who I am right now if it wasn’t for him and the experiences I have gone thru.
Things can only get better… Oh… Me and my never ending thoughts… :-)

2006-04-22T23:22:00.000-07:00

me and my wandering mind...

somebody save me

2006-04-22T23:01:00.000-07:00

while sitting alone at a party, i thought to myself... why do people have to fall in love just to fall out of it after? you love then you lose and you get hurt... is it worth the risks and the pain? i think so but i also think that it gets to you... i don't want to hurt anymore.

so i just wandered into the nothingness of my ideas.

getting better

2006-04-21T19:51:00.000-07:00

i am still mentally tired from my test today and yesterday even though i got to take a nap... i did better today by getting a 95% in my exam. i really was surprised because i wanted to take it tomorrow coz i didn't study about it but i passed. i was like in awe and shocked but happy. :-)

even though i complain a lot about having to read a lot of books and ingesting too much information on my head or brain, it's all good and it's all worth it. i have a new way to think positive about it and it's to think at all times that i should act like sponge and just absorb all the information and knowledge rather than fighting with it. knowledge is power. :-)

i plan to sleep like 8 pm and wake up 12 am to study because tomorrow will be crucial. i'll be taking my long test tomorrow and i get like mentally blocked just because i'm all tense and nervous.

wish me luck!

2006-04-20T16:19:00.000-07:00

my hardwork really pays off. i got 84% from my quiz today and i'm hoping i'll be getting a higher grade tomorrow if i study twice as hard. i am so happy.

a little discontent was what i felt when i found out about my grade but i'll just do better because i hate competing with other people, i only compete with myself... i think people should compete with themselves so we forget about crabmentality.

life is good and i need my nap like right now.

sleepless in l.a.

2006-04-19T21:38:00.000-07:00

I feel so exhausted. I can’t figure out why no matter how hard I try to ingest information into my brain it just doesn’t work out. I cannot understand what I am reading, what I have been reading for days.

I feel vulnerable. It’s like I can’t find a reason to be strong, a person or a belief or whatever it is I could hold on to just to make me stronger. It’s like my only refuge is myself.

I’m still sick but I am drinking my coffee, getting stressed out and smoking my cigarettes which I really shouldn’t be doing. I have to prepare for school tomorrow… again. This time is different though because were going to be have our first test, like seriously. Am I nervous? Yes. Am I scared? Yes. Am I cramming? Definitely. I can’t understand what I’m trying to learn that’s why I’m a mess.

Right now a song keeps playing on my head- “perfect”- and it goes like what if the world were a little more perfect? Blah blah blah… It makes me wonder…

My brain is just drained up right now. It’s like full of air. I have no idea why.

I have been thinking negative thoughts since last week because I’ve been hearing other people’s experiences in regards to nursing and it’s not that good. It’s just making me nervous and scared and weak. I know I should think always of mind over matter but I’m just scared to fail. There’s too much to lose and a lot of risk involved too. Negative thoughts become self-fulfilling prophecies.

I’ll try to put these words in mind… “If you think success, you will become successful. Know that you will become successful and you will be…”

It’s another sleepless night for me.

have you's

2006-04-18T20:26:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most?Saying something and wishing you hadn't?
or-
Saying nothing and wishing you had?
I guess the most important things are the hardestthings to say.
Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them. If you do, they might break your heart...if you don't, you might break theirs.
Have u ever decided not to become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person?
Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't.
You can't tell your heart what to do.
It does it on its own.... when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to.
Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you?
Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or even at all.
Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle?
We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.
But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger.Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump.
Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done, or could have had.

2006-04-18T19:32:00.000-07:00

yeah yeah i know my hair is messy!!! it's windy okay!!! i love the sights and the area of this island...

2006-04-18T19:31:00.000-07:00

family pic: mommy arlene,tita lotte,daddy and me

2006-04-18T19:29:00.000-07:00

2006-04-18T19:28:00.000-07:00

dinner... i love the lights at huntington!

2006-04-18T19:27:00.000-07:00

funny picha! i look weird! hahaha!

2006-04-18T19:25:00.000-07:00

by the bay area with dad and stepmum

2006-04-18T19:24:00.000-07:00

dinner with dad and stepmum

2006-04-18T19:23:00.001-07:00

contemplating whether i'm going swimming or not...

2006-04-18T19:23:00.000-07:00

blah blah blah

2006-04-18T19:14:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of times I tend to just look up the sky or stare at a blank wall and just think. I am the type of person that would be likely to make things or situations complicated or in short I would say dramatic (it sounds so bad though). I do think too much. I think of everything and it messes me up even my sleeping habits. If I could just buy a vitamin or an anti oxidant that would help me be in peace or just help me clear out my brain I definitely would buy it. By thinking too much I do waste my time and my energy. It doesn’t solve anything; it doesn’t even help solve anything.

I don’t think I am not over the fact that I’m not going back to the Philippines it’s just that there are those times wherein I can’t help but compare my situation here and when I was back home. I guess I just miss what I’m accustomed to. I miss the place where I grew up and spent my whole life in.

I still can’t be strict to myself and I hate it. I can’t implement my own rules. I get the lazy feeling whenever I try to stand up in the morning. I have become a procrastinator and I really wasn’t like this before. I already get lazy by thinking that I need to read my books. I’m putting too much slack and I need to stop this soon.

I feel worst because of thinking too much and being super sick right now.

It’s funny that I feel like all I’m writing are just random thoughts and it’s driving me nuts because my brain is just blank, dry and not working.

I did a stupid thing too by checking the profile of my ex boyfriend’s girlfriend. Why do I think it’s stupid? I don’t feel anything for the person anymore, I don’t hold any grudge towards him or the girl, I’m not jealous in any way but still it’s stupid because I don’t want to judge her or him. I mean I am happy that he’s finally happy and I knew it wasn’t going to work out anyways. It’s better for both of us that we let each other go coz I’m happier now. It made me a better person.

I also figured that i'm really not the type of person that can keep heartaches inside or even grudges inside me, i tend to forget too.

I'm not happy with the way things are working out for me right now but I have to live and deal with it.

I love seeing people around me walk, hold hands and kiss because by that I know that even though it doesn't work out for me, it works out for other people... Love that is.

Enough with my arbitrary out of nowhere thoughts flying round my head and my brain.

Still… I feel uber sick like I just want to sleep it off so I can get over with it.

2006-04-17T15:10:00.000-07:00

It surprises me that the last time I wrote on my blog was last week and I didn’t even notice. I’m getting pretty busy with school and I’m not even sure if I can handle the stress that will come my way.
Basically what I do when I’m not in school, I’ll be home studying or taking the time off to nap. I can’t even imagine anymore how I’m going to be able to absorb all the information I read from my books. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but I never thought it would be this hard.

I went on a trip to the beach with my dad, stepmum, uncle and aunt. I didn’t really want to go but I felt like I deserve some rest and peace and I needed a quiet place to read my books while drinking my coffee or tea. I know it’s supposed to be a break or a vacation but I needed to read my books. I’m not even cramming because I still have Friday-Wednesday to study but still I feel like I’m running out of time real fast. I can’t keep up with the pace. It’s like no matter how hard I try to study and read my book over and over again it just doesn’t register in my head. I know what I’m trying to study right now is not what and who I really want to be so it doesn’t really interest me that much but I’m no doing this for myself, I’m doing it for my family because I want them to have a better life. I want to do everything, whatever it takes, to give them a better life.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

I feel like a dork now reading my books in the café or even carrying them because they’re huge like I had no idea my books would be that thick.

I did enjoy the vacation even though half the time I had to study.

There was this moment yesterday at church where I saw a happy couple sitting down with their kids and I thought to myself, how can one find the right person to be with and spend the rest of your life with? Just a random thought but it scares me in a way.

I feel like I have not much to say but I am busy with a lot of things. It just feels like my words are dry. It’s just hard to explain.

random thoughts (probably silly ones too)

2006-04-10T02:16:00.000-07:00

i am so tired. i just got home from work and it's like 2:15 am already... i did miss work specially the overtimes and they pay you more too. i had fun coz i missed my co workers but yeah still it was kind of stressful. well i want to get used to the word "stress" anyways because regular school will be starting this thursday... i just got my books last week too, i think my birthday... super thick books you have no idea (well think about this... it's thicker than the webster's dictionary hardbound how bout that...)

i feel hungry but i'm too tired to fix myself a late night dinner so i'd stick with pudding, mango con chile, milk and water.

i want to try to apply for another job but i'm still thinking about it...

why do i feel like my brain and my mind is literally drained from all the work i did today... ayayay.

i'm left with a backache and a brain that couldn't think of things to say so i should probably go to bed...

2006-04-07T01:52:00.000-07:00

the people that i love! my stepmum and dad... they definitely made this birthday one of the most memorable and one of the best too... even in their own simple ways...

2006-04-07T01:51:00.000-07:00

my second birthday piece a cake! i know i can't have the whole cake and eat it all... fine then i'll gobble up on this piece! it's pretty good cake! yummey!

2006-04-07T01:49:00.000-07:00

shawty!!! birthday girl!!! (trying so hard to pose but deep inside she's freezing!!!)

2006-04-07T01:45:00.000-07:00

my ice cream cake!!! the closest i'll ever be to the taste of red ribbon's black forest...

2006-04-07T01:44:00.000-07:00

simple message but it means a lot to me! like a LOT!

2006-04-07T01:43:00.000-07:00

a friendship that can never be replaced... never forgotten... no matter the distance no matter the time... we'll definitely make it thru dude!

2006-04-07T01:42:00.000-07:00

eyagrrr,danana,abril :-)

2006-04-07T01:40:00.000-07:00

Lunch break with Vivian eating california rolls in my ride!!!

2006-04-07T01:38:00.000-07:00

Starting my day with Bob Marley as my driving music!!!

love+peace+happiness

2006-04-07T01:35:00.000-07:00

I couldn’t ask for more on my birthday. I’ve got all I want and need in my life. I spent my birthday with my stepmum and father and we had a simple dinner and we visited the church to pray. I just prayed for strength for my family that we may stay strong at all times and that we’ll support each other end be each other’s backbone and I prayed for a brother or a sister because I know it will make my stepmum and father happy. I don’t ask for anything but my family’s happiness.

My day started pretty early because of school and I played Bob Marley’s Redemption Song the whole morning and on my way back home I played Alanis Morisette’s songs and sang too… People driving were looking at me but I’m like so what it’s my birthday!!! I deserve to sing… I am trying so hard to justify hahaha.

I went thru a major headache and tummy ache today too! I slept late like 3 a.m. studying so I lacked sleep then when I got to my class we were suddenly given exams and counting my papers right now we were given 22!!! Yes… 22 exams!
Tummy ache because I think I’m not used to eating breakfast especially heavy breakfast… ayayay…

When I got home I was so happy to find out they got me ice cream cake!!! Yippee!!! There I go again being so innocent and shallow! But I am! In a way that I appreciate things whether they’re expensive, cheap or maybe just thoughts or sweet nothings…

I rested for a while because I really wasn’t feeling well then waited till dinner time…

After dinner i had coffee...

I figured I would be stressed out to type the whole thing that occurred today or I might miss some detail so I just decided to post some photos to have visual ideas of what I’m talking about…

This is a birthday to remember because it’s one of the few special moments I get to share with my family… We weren’t really the type that celebrates before in the Philippines or take opportunity to be with each other so I’m used to spending it alone or with Dana… but now I really appreciate what my stepmum and father does for me… everything they do for me…

I miss Dana though… I don’t have some of our photos because my computer isn’t assembled but I took a photo from my camera phone… We spent every special occasion together (literally!!!) and I will always be thankful for her… for her company… for her friendship that she offered to me… for being relatives… for sharing her family with me… for accepting me and loving me for the real me… not because I look good or because I have money but just because she knows my deepest secrets, my insecurities, my weaknesses, my bad habits, my mistakes and the list goes on but still loves me… with all her heart… I know she loves me unconditionally… I miss you Dana Banana Mande-I mean Mandela… Miss Eya Fufi Grrrrr too!!!

I’m thankful for everything I have. I am thankful I don’t have everything I want because it makes me focus and have a goal and strive to be a better person. It makes me a simple person. It makes me a grounded person. I know God has a reason for everything and I believe he wants the best for each one of us…

I need to rest now because I have school tomorrow… I still feel sick but my heart is happy! Really happy…

GO SHAWTY!!! IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!!!

2006-04-06T01:06:00.000-07:00

Another year added to my 18 years of life spent on earth… I officially turned 19 a few minutes ago and to celebrate my birthday I decided to treat myself with a glass of vodka mixed with coke and little cherry syrup and to top it off, a cherry. I gulped the whole thing but left the cherry on the glass. The reason behind it is drinking the mixed vodka straight as a representation of accepting and looking forward to what the future holds for me… No slowing down or stopping but just living life to the fullest and living it using all my strengths and capabilities. Another reason for choosing vodka was because it wasn’t all sweet but a mix of sweetness and the taste I can’t really explain but it’s a taste I don’t really like that much so it symbolizes my acceptance for my future may it be good or bad. It can’t be all perfect and smooth sailing for me right. I left the cherry and threw it as far as I could because I was leaving the past behind. It doesn’t mean I’m forgetting where I came from or I don’t want to look back… not at all. It just means that I’m thankful for my past because I have learned priceless experiences and gained unforgettable memories but I want to throw away regrets or thoughts of what if’s and maybe’s. I don’t want to loathe on things I wished I did better at or I wished I did this and that. Past is past and being sorry, feeling bad or thinking about what if’s and maybe’s aren’t going to make things better or turn back time.
While doing this I was playing “Collide” by Howie Day on my PSP. I’ve heard it from my ex boyfriend before, I mean I wasn’t playing it to remind me of him. I was playing it because I liked this line that says – Even the best fall down sometimes, Even the wrong words seem to rhyme, Out of the doubt that fills my mind, I somehow find you and I collide… I’m not pertaining to anybody special or romantically inclined with me but I think it just reminds me of my relationship with people I care about or love such as my family or my faith. No matter what bumps in the road we go thru I know for sure that we will always collide (I see it in a way meaning not crash but we collide to each other making each a better person and adding to the completeness of each other). I know that whatever mistake I make they will still love me and accept me for who I really am, for just simply being me.

I felt real good this afternoon of April 5th because this pastor we know visited here then we gathered in a circle (My Dad, Stepmum, Me, Lola and Larry-the pastor) and we all prayed together and it was a real good prayer initiated by Larry. The type of prayer that really hits you in the heart and is really sincere.

People who read my blog would probably think of my birthday plans… I have no plans meaning I don’t plan to party or arrange one. I’ll go to school early around 7:30 a.m. then rest when I get home. Hopefully get to visit church tomorrow to pray and give thanks then have dinner with my father and stepmum. That’s it! Not the usual thing I would do if I was in the Philippines but it’s about time I spend my birthday with people who really loves me and never really left me, my family and my faith…

I’m still thinking about things I should accomplish this year, what I need to learn, what I should change about me and new things to get busy with but I’ll probably figure things out tomorrow, I mean later, because I still need to review for my exams later…

Things can only get better… That I’m sure of…

my inclination with the stars

2006-04-05T15:08:00.000-07:00

Quickie:You can bring about true change today. Use your voice to make a real difference.

Overview:An extra jolt of energy juices up your personal ambitions, and you're unstoppable when it comes to career goals. Direct some of that vim and vigor to outside creative projects and you'll see great results.

Daily Singles:It's a great time to meet someone new at a party or some other big social engagement. You can do especially well if you're part of a group yourself, so try to get your friends to join you.

This morning could find you a bit sluggish and less than optimally productive, but by this afternoon, you're ready to take on the world. Watch for a truly innovative idea to strike at just the right moment.

YEAR OF THE RABBIT:During this day you'll have the best chances of bringing your activities to a successful conclusion, especially those concerning your career. With your close ones, you'll also use your increased magnetism, and things will run like clockwork. You'll be able to profit by kindness and useful support coming from people of the opposite sex; don't deprive yourself of them. No big health problems to be feared, but your vitality may undergo a slight decline; it'll be necessary to avoid alcoholic drinks and to take a little more rest.

Rabbit Overview
Provided by Astrology.com

Seeing you so full of high spirits and optimism, one would like to ask you lessons for your joy of living! You'll have a marvelous attitude most of the time in the course of this year. More sociable than ever, you'll be at ease everywhere. You'll know how to cheer up a rather dull evening party as well as communicate your enthusiasm to your work team. The stars promise you very easy contacts and alliances that you'll appreciate above all. However, sometimes in the course of the year, you'll allow yourself to be unstable. You'll then lack strictness as well as patience, and you'll be inclined to drop certain projects that cannot be achieved as quickly as you would wish. But if you remember that 'he who moved the mountain is he who had begun with taking away small stones' (Chinese proverb), then you'd be more prone to perseverance.

Rabbit Romantic
Provided by Astrology.com

First quarter
With the star Moc Duc in your sign, your love affairs will be delicious. You'll experience moments of intense passion, but with the risk of being yourself more demanding than usual. Your mate would be well advised to be up to the task by making use of much imagination and panache. If you accept your beloved one as they are, your understanding with them will be perfect. However, tensions are possible. If you're on the lookout for the soul mate, you'll have excellent chances to meet them.

Second quarter
This astral environment might somewhat complicate your life. This will be the case with couples whose mutual understanding has left something to be desired for some time. Your mate won't want to make concessions any longer, and they may even drive you into a corner. The star Thien Rieu will prove rather unfavorable to certain single natives of the sign. Indeed, under his influence, you may suddenly become incredibly demanding. Wanting to meet a demigod or a top model is certainly not the best way to find a mate!

Third quarter
On account of this aspect of the planet Hong Loan, there exist two solutions for couples. If you're living a strong and harmonious relationship, the planet will help you to deepen your involvement and even to pursue common projects. If your couple is shaky, then this period may be rather delicate; for some of you, a breaking off seems possible. Single natives of the sign may also be affected by these influences: Indeed, an important encounter is in the offing for most of you.

Fourth quarter
Some tensions are possible in your sentimental life. This aspect of the star Van Xuong may render your mate nervous or aggressive. And since you won't be inclined to let yourself be pushed around, a conflict may rapidly arise. As for single natives of the sign, this period may be marked with a troubling encounter. Beware not to develop a passion for someone who's indifferent to you.

2006-04-05T02:31:00.000-07:00

random thoughts...

on a poignant gloomy night...

2006-04-05T02:18:00.000-07:00

When does all of this end?
Will the pain ever go away?
My tears keep running down my cheeks
As I try to forget about yesterday…

What does my future hold for me?
Would I always wait in vain?
My mind and my heart has been shattered to pieces
Taking all risks with thoughts that it’s worth the pain…

I want to live freely
I want to know how it feels to fly
I want to be harder than a stone
I never want to hear goodbyes…

sleepless nights, movie marathons and popcorn for dinner...

2006-04-04T14:30:00.000-07:00

As usual i slept around 4 am last night and no matter how hard i tried to convince myself not to think about things... the more i did the thinking... so i decided to keep myself busy and watch a movie instead... a movie was just starting to show it was "United Stated of Leland" and the cast are kevin spacey, ryan grosling, jena malone, chris klein and the wife of heathe ledger, the one from dawson's creek so i thought to myself that they have a list of good cast so might as well watch it than waste time staring on a blank wall...

i was surprised how interesting the movie turned out to be... it was just a very good movie in my opinion... i loved it...

the character played by ryan gosling (leland fritzgerald) was so awesome... i was just left speechless... i just remember like he wrote what he was feeling in his book given by his teacher in prison and at the end when he dies his teacher reads it... i remember like a part saying that people see or do the bad so they can see the good after everything... i was just left in awe...

anyways don't really have much to say... i still feel weird but a little anxious and i am really hungry... i just wish i can sleep early and wake up early too...

sorry by maria mena

2006-04-04T14:25:00.000-07:00

Vague sound of rain
pierces through my song again
but I get distracted by the way his toes move when he plays
so I let it burn

I just poured my heart out
there's bits of it on the floor
And I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water
And call him up for more

And I say baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too
He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
so sorry

He grabs my wrists
as my fingers turn into angry fists
and I wisper why can't you love me, I'll change for you
I'll play the part

And I say baby, so I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
I am sorry...

2006-04-03T21:01:00.000-07:00

some ad i did years ago... :-)

this came from a broschure in the philippines that was given to me. i was laughing hard at it. i mean i always laugh at myself when i see my face on magazines, paper bags or photos. i just look like a funny weird crazy young mestiza girl... i think i was 17 when this was taken...

2006-04-03T20:59:00.000-07:00

graduation photo

2006-04-03T20:58:00.000-07:00

graduation photo

i was just able to get my graduation photo just last week. i laughed so hard coz i look real young but it didn't matter to me. it was like a symbol for my hard work at chung hua. that school gave me a hard time. i mean i would never have imagined it would be that hard to study there but then they taught me to persevere and work harder... it was all worth it...

2006-04-03T20:57:00.000-07:00

junior prom (st.mary of the woods school)

i think this photo was taken from my camera phone. i hated junior prom and the things that happened after the prom. what i loved about it is just the dress coz i designed it myself and it was all white. i loved my dress though i think it kind of caused a stir. it didn't really matter to me coz i felt comfortable and beautiful in my dress...

2006-04-03T20:56:00.000-07:00

senior prom (philippine pasay chung hua academy)

this is one of my senior prom pictures. i was so looking forward to having a prom pic because i never got the chance when i had my junior prom at another school. thanks to manang jo too because i just borrowed her dress hahaha...

2006-04-03T20:54:00.000-07:00

tina sue, manang jo and me :-)

i miss my friends specially tina sue and manang jo. they were like my big sisters. tina sue still lives in the philippines and manang jo migrated to usa months before i did but we have no contact anymore. i went out with sue before i left though... i can still remember trying not to cry... good times :-)

photo mania

2006-04-03T20:50:00.000-07:00

As i was looking for a book i stumbled upon some photos that made me reminisce and smile. These are photos that would mean something special or just remind me of my past. I thought it would be cool to post them and tell something about them...

2006-04-03T20:47:00.000-07:00

top photo: char (my cousin from father's side), grandma and me
bottom photo: me, my sister and mumay (my cousin from mother's side)

i can still remember clearly these pictures on my head. the first photo with char and my grandma was my first week here in l.a. and is the first time i'll be seeing char after she left the philippines when we were both 5 years old i think. the second photo is when i went to san diego for a month after a week's stay at l.a. then my aunt, uncle and cousin mumay went to san diego to visit and it was the first time i saw my relatives on my mother's side so it was pretty exciting. i also got to know mumay better because i only knew her thru her movies when she used to act in the philippines so it was a memorable moment to remember...

hoping for better days...

2006-04-03T20:02:00.000-07:00

I have my moments where I have no idea how to explain what or how I feel such as today. I received an unexpected call from an old friend and we talked for a few minutes to catch up. I met him at a party of my father’s boss and he did catch my attention. I had no plans of talking to people around me so I went to ponder on my thoughts and smoke a stick of cigarette. He came up to me and invited me to this part of the place where he and his friends all gathered and talking. It all started there and at the end of the party he asked for my number so we could hang out or go clubbing sometime. We did meet once but our rendezvous felt quite awkward for me because I didn’t know how to act around him. He got me all shook up and pretty much nervous but he handled himself real well. It’s kind of funny I think we met up on a Tuesday or Wednesday night at a café and there were not much of people around and we couldn’t think of a place to go after coffee so we decided to hangout at universal city walk instead. I felt embarrassed because he had to drive up to my place to pick me up and he was coming from the long beach area so it’s far from mine and he still drove up to universal then after that, bring me back home. I was new at this country and I don’t know anything so I felt really shy and just embarrassed. I don’t even think he would be interested to meet up again but he did invite me to go to Knott’s scary farm but I was still in this on and off relationship so I declined his invitation. I’m not like thinking he likes me or anything in that sense, not even now. I don’t want to put malice on the friendship and start putting thoughts on my head. I would just assume I’m a friend, somebody he could talk to. I can’t explain why he’s on my mind right now. It is one of my moments and it feels weird. It’s like when I think about him I start babbling and talk gibberish too. I’m trying to convince myself that this is frivolous.

So we conversed and he told me he’s back in school (surprisingly). He said he works part time now and he wants to get over school and he asked me what’s been up with me and I was just like yeah I’m back in school too and that it’s kind of stressing me out. He even remembered my birthday and asked what my plans are… so I was like I think I’m just going to sleep on it because I have school on Thursday anyways and I have to review math because we’ll be given tests. He surprised me by asking me like isn’t your boyfriend taking you out and I was just like nah… I don’t have one and he laughed. I just told him that he’s making me feel bad that I don’t have one then we just laughed but then he had to cut the conversation short because his classes are starting already…

That was it, that’s the whole conversation. That’s why I feel weird. Weird in a way I can’t really explain. He kind of sounded different though. It was like I was talking to a different person but I can’t say if it’s a good or bad thing. Maybe it’s because we haven’t talked for a while. I don’t want to think I like him. Not even a little. I don’t even want to think thoughts of him. It’s just making me feel weird.

I don’t know why I have become this person that gets anxious when she hears dating. I guess because I never really dated here and it’s like every guy I meet, I never assume they like me more than a friend. It might be because I’m not used to dating anymore after being in a long term relationship one after the other or maybe I am just too frightened of a person to be in a relationship again. I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to let myself love another person because it’s like giving them the chance to hurt me. Most of all, I don’t want to hurt the person I love.

It’s just that I’m tired of giving myself, giving everything I could and at the end losing. I know it’s better to have loved and lost that not love at all but I always fail at it. It’s jus like going on a battle unprepared but you still continue to fight even if you’re not ready. At the end, you lose. Then I end up running to myself…

I used to say to myself that experience is the best teacher. That the pain I went thru before was all worth it because you’ve gone thru the joys and they matter more than the downside of the relationship. That you need not to brood over and deliberate about the hurting instead be blissful and happy that you met the person and was able to share memories with that person because it can only happen once in your life. But all these were what I used to tell myself before, not now… I still can’t explain how I feel no matter how hard I try…

I’m trying to think happy thoughts.

Saturday afternoon was a great day for me. I went out to chill and hang out at the beach with this friend. It was fun. I love hanging out at the beach and just look around. I love seeing the diversity and the differences that each and every person have. I love looking at the paintings and listening to music. I just love seeing talented people everywhere. It was awesome and it gave me the feeling of serenity (though it was a little cold, I mean chilly). Watched a movie after and it was the weatherman starred by Nicolas Cage. I wouldn’t say it’s a very good movie. It’s a type of movie that’s in between of the best and the worst, in short boring. It made sense though even if it was a little boring. Sunday afternoon, Went out to have coffee and watched a chick flick which was failure to launch. It started out funny but as usual it gets cheesy at the end then decided to rent red eye (it was okay… just okay) then went home after the movies… Saturday and Sunday were good days for me. I got to relax and unwind and forget the stress of school. I love chilling and I love movies so it all fits in my usual rest days agenda.

I have to go for now and stop writing and thinking about things or people too much. I have to review math.

So i'm hoping for better days…

babble all day... all night...

2006-03-31T02:42:00.000-08:00

due to excessive talking and writing about things happening around me and in my life... i forgot a minor detail... i colored my hair dark brown... i'm back to being a brunette just a little darker than before though but it's alright. a new life demands for a new hair... i should probably throw away a gift card for the salon that i got... i don't think i'll still be needing it... or maybe give it somebody else... hayayay... i talk too much...

2006-03-31T02:27:00.000-08:00

i don't think we have this in the philippines so as usual i am amazed :-) and i can't stop singing my blog song... last song syndrome huh!!! love that song...

2006-03-31T02:25:00.000-08:00

pop tarts are gifts from heaven! i can't believe i'm this shallow hehehe...

april and the medical term stalker... (no sense at all) i know...

2006-03-31T02:20:00.000-08:00

My day started with waking up earlier than I used to. I was kind of rushing because I slept pretty late last night having one of those late night conversations with my stepmum. This was also the day where my father will be watching and observing the way I drive and I hate it… he never tells me when I’m doing a great job and I feel like it’s always my mistakes and blunders that he notices. I guess some parents are like that in a way and I’m a hard headed girl too so I understand him. He still doesn’t trust the way I drive and because I’m nervous due to wanting to please him badly I made a mistake right at the beginning. I was driving an automatic car and using both my feet having my right step on the gas and left on the breaks. I was like why are the breaks this way? He replied “it’s an automatic car!” I gushed and felt unease… just responded “oh yeah I forgot!” but the whole travel was pretty much okay. I think I did well…

I spent my half day at school just tackling about MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY (which made my brain just freeze at the moment we were discussing…). Just typing it and hearing myself say it gives me the feeling of butterflies in my stomach. The feeling of vomiting… I honestly cannot believe I am on my way to having a career in the medical field…

I always wanted to be a teacher. I always wanted to teach special children. I want to be able to use what God has given me as a tool in helping out children that are less privileged. I want them to feel like they are no difference to who I am or what I am. God just chose them and made them more special.

Before I entered the school, I had to go through the interviews and the counselor gave me hope by telling me that being in the medical field, I will still be able to pursue the dream of teaching. It cheered me up and made me feel better. A door closed for me but a window opened. God is really good.

I am nervous though. I was emailing my friend about the school program and he’s doing the same thing just in another college and he goes saying something like “stress will be your boyfriend…” I replied to him by saying I’d rather stay single all my life than have stress be my boyfriend. It is difficult to be in the medical field and I’m getting all these jittery feelings because I am not a hundred percent sure with what lies ahead. What I keep in mind to enthuse and motivate me is that you can’t have everything in life the easy way. The harder you work for whatever it is you want, the more you appreciate what you have achieved. Just like my past, I got everything easy; I always took the easy way out as well, in a way I took the sweet life and I never knew I’d be bitter from the sweet…

Just because something is difficult doesn’t mean you stop trying… It only means you have to work harder…

As soon as I got home, I ate the whole tilapia set aside for me in the dining table, washed the dishes and dozed to sleep! My brain was hurting, not my body. But it was all good. Downside of sleeping too much is that I woke up pretty late around seven and I still had to complete some of my requirements in school so my stepmum accompanied me to Walgreen’s to buy what I needed. In the process of looking for my stuff, she found this hair straightening product that would last for 3 months and is something you can do at home and of course being a FOB I was in awe… as usual. I was excited to do her hair so I convinced her to get it. She got me a box of pop tarts (strawberry flavored ones too!) And yes again I was amazed. That doesn’t sound so surprising anymore hahaha. As soon as we got home I opened my pop tarts box and started munching on it (you can’t blame me! I never tried it when I was in the Philippines and I’m not even sure if we have it there) and my mom showered and I started working on her hair :-) it probably took us 2 hours to do the whole process and she just went to bed so I’m left here writing on my blog… the result was nice although my stepmum is quite a finicky type of person so it was just plain okay with her. I don’t think she was that happy with it but I hope she is…

I need to rest and prepare myself for another day of school (a mind boggling experience again).

I am feeling like I should most likely change this blog’s title to “This is a story of a FOB girl”…\I am acting so like a FOB well I am I know but I don’t really care… I love being Filipino… I love getting to find out about the simple things in this country even though I’m a little old for that because it just makes me happy… makes me have tachy cardia (medical term for fast heart) – yikes!!! The medical terms are following me, I mean stalking me! Anyways I love being shallow, in the sense that I love that simple things make me a happy person already… that’s what I always wanted to be, that’s what I always needed.
Maybe I forgot to laugh before and I filled my head with too much worries and sadness that it overflowed already…

I am happy and content the way I am right at this moment, with myself and the people surrounding me specially my family and my faith.

I need to let the bed bugs bite me now… it’s getting pretty late… :-) tralala…

2006-03-29T19:26:00.001-08:00

weird photo...

2006-03-29T19:26:00.000-08:00

i love sleeping!!! i can never get enough...

2006-03-29T19:25:00.000-08:00

i love sleeping beside my sister!!!

I sleep too much...

2006-03-29T17:40:00.000-08:00

I woke up pretty late today (around 3:00 p.m.) considering I went to bed around 11:30 pm. I’ve been sleeping for more than 15 hours. This is how it’s been for the couple of months I have been here.

I had no idea where to start with my life. I was able to get a job October 2005 and I haven’t quit yet but I’m not working anymore. The last time I worked regular was January coz it was still busy due to the holiday season. After that and all the stress that comes with it, I have made up my mind that I have to do something with my life. With myself.

There were so many reasons hindering me on moving and actually doing something such as applying for a job that I would really like or looking around for a college or a university. I even got a job last February as a secretary for a nursing school and they pay pretty good, well better than the place I work for. The downside of it is that I had to move to Long Beach (it’s almost 60 miles from my place) because if I’d be driving it would probably take me more than 3 hours because of heavy traffic in the morning and night as well.

What was stopping me? When my dad finally decided that he’s letting me go, I felt unsure. I felt like this is not what I really want. I want to go to school. I’ve been wanting to go to school for the past few months. I’m the type of person that takes education seriously. I don’t want to be a bimbo dim-witted girl.

Another reason for procrastinating was that I was still in a relationship. This guy and I were together for more than 2 years. We’ve been together since both of us were in the Philippines and he moved to L.A. first and I had to move 6 months after as well but nothing of it was planned. The type of relationship we had was or has always been like I relied on him on everything. I’m not the type of person that relies on people to have something done because I grew up relying on nobody else but just me. I honestly think that I just gave in to being used to having this person around, helping me. I didn’t really take it in a positive way because I knew and I wanted to stand on my own two feet but he made me used to the feeling that he’s there to help me with everything or do things for me.

The relationship didn’t work out. So by the time we broke up I was left helpless. I honestly don’t know much about this place so I don’t know my way around. I had no friends and I wasn’t doing anything, literally.

My stepmum was there for me that time and she was giving me all the advice that I needed and it helped me get thru it. After a week of drinking at home, sleeping pills and all the re runs of sex and the city, I was finally over it. I asked my stepmum to accompany me to this nursing school and right then and there I took the entrance exam and I passed it. The following day I worked on my requirements and now I’m attending school that just started last week. I guess I just needed a wake up call. It’s like I fell into a deep sleep forgetting that I had to wake up and go back to my life.

I think the heartache was worth it. It acted as my alarm clock. Even though it crushed me, it was worth it. What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger…

So school is the start of another catastrophe or cataclysm. Not in the way that it would stress me physically or mentally but in the way that I would be fighting, arguing and debating with my mum about it.

She is so stressing and straining me out.

My mum doesn’t want to give me a copy of her income tax return making me unable to avail a grant which means free money. A certain amount from my tuition fee will be paid for by the government if my mum just signs a form and gives a copy of the ITR so that the government can estimate an amount that will be given for me without having to pay it back. So it leaves me arguing with her and shouting back at her because she doesn’t want to help at all.

I don’t get her. Maybe because I didn’t grow up with her but this is like one of the reasons why in a way I was disappointed meeting her. In my opinion, the span of time we got to be together and I was able to meet her and know her, I would say she’s the type of person that didn’t really get over her past. I think she feels like the weight of the world is on her shoulders. I just can’t stand people who complain everyday about their life or their past.

The last time I conversed with her, I asked her straight if she was going to help me and she was like I’ll think about it and I told her I don’t have much time but she just told me it’s not her problem but mine.
She just babbled about the past and I just said what happened before to her is not my fault and whatever happened with her and my dad is none of my business. I don’t want to meddle nor take sides. I think what she wants to happen is for me to live in San Diego and help her, literally. Like take care of my sister and help her pay the bills. I don’t think it’s my responsibility to. My dad took care of me all my life and paid for everything but never did he make it my responsibility to help him with the bills or repay everything he did for me. Never did he ask me for money that I have earned even when we were in the Philippines. Whatever I work for is mine and it’s not a responsibility but a choice to help my father or my grandmother.

I hate having a grudge, resentment or feeling of bitterness inside me or towards another person. It’s just not worth it. If my mum doesn’t want to accept me for me I won’t force her to. I don’t want pushing myself to a person that doesn’t like me. I will not agonize over what I don’t have or people that can’t love me, neither will I loathe about it... I will just be thankful and moreover surround myself with people that loves me and accepts me for who I am.

I’ll just let things be and come what may.

I need to focus now with the important things and just let the feeling of abhorrence and hatred go.

I also need to work on my sleeping schedule. Too much sleeping is bad and waste of time too. I guess I have to work on it real soon…

2006-03-28T22:22:00.000-08:00

miss the beach :-(

happy birthday shaira!

2006-03-28T22:18:00.000-08:00

i almost forgot to greet one of my closest friend and my sister shaira! happy birthday! i wish i was there to spend it with her though... argh... i hate thinking about birthdays coz it makes me remember that mines comin up pretty soon. i hate birthdays.

i did post some of our pics way back like almost 4 years ago? we did look young shai and it's funny to look at it now. i miss my group of friends too... that's why i posted a group picture made by shaira. (thanks!) i need to go back home pretty soon...

2006-03-28T22:12:00.000-08:00

group picture

2006-03-28T22:11:00.001-08:00

christmas with shaira!!!

2006-03-28T22:11:00.000-08:00

christmas with shaira!!!

2006-03-28T22:09:00.000-08:00

under the bridge... only in the philippines :-)