sleepless in l.a.

I feel so exhausted. I can’t figure out why no matter how hard I try to ingest information into my brain it just doesn’t work out. I cannot understand what I am reading, what I have been reading for days.

I feel vulnerable. It’s like I can’t find a reason to be strong, a person or a belief or whatever it is I could hold on to just to make me stronger. It’s like my only refuge is myself.

I’m still sick but I am drinking my coffee, getting stressed out and smoking my cigarettes which I really shouldn’t be doing. I have to prepare for school tomorrow… again. This time is different though because were going to be have our first test, like seriously. Am I nervous? Yes. Am I scared? Yes. Am I cramming? Definitely. I can’t understand what I’m trying to learn that’s why I’m a mess.

Right now a song keeps playing on my head- “perfect”- and it goes like what if the world were a little more perfect? Blah blah blah… It makes me wonder…

My brain is just drained up right now. It’s like full of air. I have no idea why.

I have been thinking negative thoughts since last week because I’ve been hearing other people’s experiences in regards to nursing and it’s not that good. It’s just making me nervous and scared and weak. I know I should think always of mind over matter but I’m just scared to fail. There’s too much to lose and a lot of risk involved too. Negative thoughts become self-fulfilling prophecies.

I’ll try to put these words in mind… “If you think success, you will become successful. Know that you will become successful and you will be…”

It’s another sleepless night for me.