I sleep too much...

I woke up pretty late today (around 3:00 p.m.) considering I went to bed around 11:30 pm. I’ve been sleeping for more than 15 hours. This is how it’s been for the couple of months I have been here.

I had no idea where to start with my life. I was able to get a job October 2005 and I haven’t quit yet but I’m not working anymore. The last time I worked regular was January coz it was still busy due to the holiday season. After that and all the stress that comes with it, I have made up my mind that I have to do something with my life. With myself.

There were so many reasons hindering me on moving and actually doing something such as applying for a job that I would really like or looking around for a college or a university. I even got a job last February as a secretary for a nursing school and they pay pretty good, well better than the place I work for. The downside of it is that I had to move to Long Beach (it’s almost 60 miles from my place) because if I’d be driving it would probably take me more than 3 hours because of heavy traffic in the morning and night as well.

What was stopping me? When my dad finally decided that he’s letting me go, I felt unsure. I felt like this is not what I really want. I want to go to school. I’ve been wanting to go to school for the past few months. I’m the type of person that takes education seriously. I don’t want to be a bimbo dim-witted girl.

Another reason for procrastinating was that I was still in a relationship. This guy and I were together for more than 2 years. We’ve been together since both of us were in the Philippines and he moved to L.A. first and I had to move 6 months after as well but nothing of it was planned. The type of relationship we had was or has always been like I relied on him on everything. I’m not the type of person that relies on people to have something done because I grew up relying on nobody else but just me. I honestly think that I just gave in to being used to having this person around, helping me. I didn’t really take it in a positive way because I knew and I wanted to stand on my own two feet but he made me used to the feeling that he’s there to help me with everything or do things for me.

The relationship didn’t work out. So by the time we broke up I was left helpless. I honestly don’t know much about this place so I don’t know my way around. I had no friends and I wasn’t doing anything, literally.

My stepmum was there for me that time and she was giving me all the advice that I needed and it helped me get thru it. After a week of drinking at home, sleeping pills and all the re runs of sex and the city, I was finally over it. I asked my stepmum to accompany me to this nursing school and right then and there I took the entrance exam and I passed it. The following day I worked on my requirements and now I’m attending school that just started last week. I guess I just needed a wake up call. It’s like I fell into a deep sleep forgetting that I had to wake up and go back to my life.

I think the heartache was worth it. It acted as my alarm clock. Even though it crushed me, it was worth it. What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger…

So school is the start of another catastrophe or cataclysm. Not in the way that it would stress me physically or mentally but in the way that I would be fighting, arguing and debating with my mum about it.

She is so stressing and straining me out.

My mum doesn’t want to give me a copy of her income tax return making me unable to avail a grant which means free money. A certain amount from my tuition fee will be paid for by the government if my mum just signs a form and gives a copy of the ITR so that the government can estimate an amount that will be given for me without having to pay it back. So it leaves me arguing with her and shouting back at her because she doesn’t want to help at all.

I don’t get her. Maybe because I didn’t grow up with her but this is like one of the reasons why in a way I was disappointed meeting her. In my opinion, the span of time we got to be together and I was able to meet her and know her, I would say she’s the type of person that didn’t really get over her past. I think she feels like the weight of the world is on her shoulders. I just can’t stand people who complain everyday about their life or their past.

The last time I conversed with her, I asked her straight if she was going to help me and she was like I’ll think about it and I told her I don’t have much time but she just told me it’s not her problem but mine.
She just babbled about the past and I just said what happened before to her is not my fault and whatever happened with her and my dad is none of my business. I don’t want to meddle nor take sides. I think what she wants to happen is for me to live in San Diego and help her, literally. Like take care of my sister and help her pay the bills. I don’t think it’s my responsibility to. My dad took care of me all my life and paid for everything but never did he make it my responsibility to help him with the bills or repay everything he did for me. Never did he ask me for money that I have earned even when we were in the Philippines. Whatever I work for is mine and it’s not a responsibility but a choice to help my father or my grandmother.

I hate having a grudge, resentment or feeling of bitterness inside me or towards another person. It’s just not worth it. If my mum doesn’t want to accept me for me I won’t force her to. I don’t want pushing myself to a person that doesn’t like me. I will not agonize over what I don’t have or people that can’t love me, neither will I loathe about it... I will just be thankful and moreover surround myself with people that loves me and accepts me for who I am.

I’ll just let things be and come what may.

I need to focus now with the important things and just let the feeling of abhorrence and hatred go.

I also need to work on my sleeping schedule. Too much sleeping is bad and waste of time too. I guess I have to work on it real soon…