not all strangers are beautiful...

I don’t think I have anything against meeting strangers or people that I really don’t know very well or not that acquainted to… but it doesn’t mean I have a penchant for doing so. In my opinion, one will never know when, where or how you meet the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with or even be the bestest of friends and that means I shouldn’t be against meeting or getting to know somebody one meets across the street, in a café or even in the internet because like what I said one will never know…
Do I or have I ever gotten to know somebody I’m really not acquainted to? Yes I have. I just think it’s the same thing from getting to know somebody from a friend’s birthday party or a family reunion just that you have whatever degree of separation between you and the person and I believe it makes one feel safer to get to know the other party.
Does thoughts of even being romantically inclined with somebody I just met or gotten to know better get to my head? No, not really. I mean I don’t really think I could give myself to another person right now because I’m not that ready yet, I don’t completely trust somebody I don’t know even though I agree with getting to know them better, and I don’t want to get hurt.
What makes me sad is that lately I’ve gotten to know this person the past few weeks but I’ve had a feeling of uncertainty though I tried to rub it off, still it won’t go away. I believe it was instinct that was telling me inside that friendship is all I want though his behaviors contradicts meaning it was more than “being friends” is what he really wanted. I did tell him about this (I actually tried explaining and having a conversation with the person) but at the end of it all he ended up being the biggest asshole I ever met in my whole entire life. I am not exaggerating. I actually felt bad because I sincerely liked the friendship and I still wanted to stay friends but I guess the person I have gotten to know better didn’t really exist. What do I mean by this? It was all an act. A thick façade or covering or layer I would say to just impress and hide imperfections that you don’t want people to see or find out about. I don’t want to lie anymore and give false hopes that’s why I just told him straight what I felt and what I thought would be better for both of us and I can’t do anything about it anymore if he couldn’t accept it. (It’s kind of funny how he gave me a birthday gift – a perfume - and now wants it back or at least his $40 back and I’m like I never asked for a birthday gift or anything material from him anyways. I’m like you can shove it up all on your arse because I don’t need it and I don’t run out of perfumes and it shows how low you can go down just for the sake of revenge or having your freaking $40 back and it’s not even a big amount of money. I didn’t even wanted it but I was just being respectful to him that’s why I didn’t even bother opening it in front of him because I don’t want having to owe somebody something so I don’t want to owe him anything just because he gave me a freaking birthday gift. I never even asked to go out with him he was always the one asking me out. I don’t mean to brag about this or end up being the one acting all bitchy but I’m just telling the truth. I never asked anything from him so I don’t owe him anything. Nothing at all. My friend just told me he was acting that way because he was pissed about the whole situation and because he’s a Caucasian but first of all- It doesn’t give him the right to disrespect me in any way nor judge me because I never judged him and I never gave him false hopes, second- I never asked anything from him… never, third- I am hoping that the way he acted doesn’t have anything to do with color but in my opinion it doesn’t, even though I don’t know a lot of Caucasians, because the way a person acts doesn’t only evolve around one’s skin color but how one was taught to by his or her parents, environment, school and other factors that may affect his or her character and personality.)
This kind of makes me a little scared to let people get to know me better or letting them be a part of my life. People I just met that is. I mean it’s just awesome that maybe one time you will see somebody in the street and end up with him or her or be friends with him or her or something in that kind but for me it’s quite different now. I mean I’m just scared. I’ve always been picky with my friends and people I surround myself with because I don’t want to waste my time sharing a part of myself to another person just to having my relationship (may it be a comradeship or romantic relationship) fail at the end of it all. It can be fighting with my bestfriend and forgetting the friendship ever existed or breaking up with my boyfriend of years and never communicating again just to waste all the years of being together and sharing a special relationship with each other. I don’t want to have a reason to put myself down. It’s my choice to have friends that I will cherish from now till the end of my life.
Meeting a stranger isn’t all that bad just because this occurred to me. I just think people should be extra cautious when getting to know people they don’t know very well or not know at all. It is ironic how you’ll never know when that person could be the one you’re supposed to be with for the rest of your life or be your bestfriend but you’ll never know if the person is also dangerous. How ironic.
This won’t let me down. It’s just another proof that we really should get to know people we become friends with or partners with and never trust a stranger completely. I don’t think I’m ready to let my guards down anyways. I’m just wondering (not looking forward to) when the knockout punch will be… funny…
One more incident I’ve been thinking about is that I emailed this person I used to have a long term relationship with telling him I hope we can be friends in the future because I felt like I don’t want to feel any grudges against him or anyone I know anymore so even though I’m not ready right now to be friends with him I just told him that maybe in the near future we could be. I hope it works out for the both of us and he hasn’t replied yet but I’m not waiting. I’m just happy with being sorry and getting over the bitterness and sadness because if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be as strong as I am right now. I wouldn’t even be who I am right now if it wasn’t for him and the experiences I have gone thru.
Things can only get better… Oh… Me and my never ending thoughts… :-)