The day you said i love you... the day I say goodbye...

It was a silent moment for both of us as were lying down with my head facing his… I closed my eyes and whispered to him how much I loved being with him… he didn’t answer…
Then I heard him saying my name – “April… April…” I responded by opening my eyes and looking into his…
His eyes seemed restless… tired… but they were sparkling… like the candles burning into the night surrounding our bed… He looked straight into my eyes as I was awaiting for what he had to say…
Then I hear these words…
“I love you…”

I turned my back thinking to myself if I should tell him how much I really love him but I was frightened not because I do not love him but because I do very much but my head and my mind is telling me to just let him go. I turned back and faced him, looked at him wanting to say those words back but before I could speak a word he told me how he has been thinking of saying it to me but he was just waiting for the right time. I asked him – “please make sure first that you do then tell me again after you think about what you just said…” but then he said he was sure. I was silent… though I had a smile on my face … I closed my eyes… took a deep breathe… looked at him straight in his eyes…
then I told him I love him…

In the span of time we have shared together I think this would probably be the most important moment. A moment I would forever treasure. He made it so special and so perfect that I just couldn’t ask for more…

I feel like I ruined this special day though… he had planned this weeks ago and I forced him to tell me about it then I blushed when he did because it’s all sweet and perfect. The day before the 27th of May, I cried myself the whole night because my plans didn’t work out the way I wanted them to. I wasn’t angry just because I couldn’t get what I wanted… I was angry because I do not understand…

My dad and I argued… I feel angry because he wasn’t like this before and I do not have any idea why he’s stooping me or trying his hardest to be a father to me when It’s too late already. I mean I’ve already grown up and I’ve already gone thru the pain and heartaches and why would he even bother to make up for it now? I do not understand… I still pushed thru with the plan and I really didn’t want to go home. I felt alone… I felt held up in the neck too tight… I felt unhappy… I felt down… I wanted to be with the person that takes all that away from me and shows me how beautiful life is… It’s so amazing too how life works and how God put people in your life. I mean I never imagined that my new friends from school would even bother helping me out with my issues and dilemmas. I just know that whatever I’m deprived of God makes up for it… and I’m thankful for that…

My dad reacted the way I expected him to but then I didn’t even know I was grounded again for the second time and it was worst because I couldn’t use the phone and not even an internet access. I do understand it was my fault but sometimes in order for me to understand my dad, he has to understand me as well… just like how the telephone works… it works both ways… I feel so weak… I want to give up…

I always tried to please my dad… do everything for my dad… offer everything for him but then he never noticed that. I’m not even being sensitive about it because I got so used to it that it feels numb already. All this time I have been doing things for my family but then do they care? I mean I think I should do it for myself now. Everything was for them but things I do would always go unnoticed… I would always be second best to my dad… I was never treated like I am the best for him or special for him… it never worked that way… I was just a kid he never wanted in the first place… His kid that he can’t stand seeing… These past few years I have been trying to patch up my relationship with him but these past few years brought me nothing but pain. For the first time in my life I am giving up on my dad. I am accepting the fact that maybe that’s all he wants to be and all he could be. That I will and always be second best… I just hate how this affects me… I have always let it affect me and things I do. I mean I do feel numb most of the time and I just hate it when I cry and I feel alone… I don’t want to feel that way anymore… I don’t want him to make me feel that way…

Over and over I have proven to myself I am my refuge… I am my home… I will always end up with myself…

Tommy makes me happy… he takes all these pain and makes them smiles, laughter and happiness… He is as important as my sister to me right now… I am scared of things not working out because I don’t want to be left alone again…. I don’t think I could take that very well…. I hate though of letting him go though but I don’t know if it’s the best for him… if its something I should do… for him… if I should instigate it…

All I know right now is that I love him unconditionally and all that matters to me is making me happy… even if it means saying goodbye… letting him go…