hoping for better days...

I have my moments where I have no idea how to explain what or how I feel such as today. I received an unexpected call from an old friend and we talked for a few minutes to catch up. I met him at a party of my father’s boss and he did catch my attention. I had no plans of talking to people around me so I went to ponder on my thoughts and smoke a stick of cigarette. He came up to me and invited me to this part of the place where he and his friends all gathered and talking. It all started there and at the end of the party he asked for my number so we could hang out or go clubbing sometime. We did meet once but our rendezvous felt quite awkward for me because I didn’t know how to act around him. He got me all shook up and pretty much nervous but he handled himself real well. It’s kind of funny I think we met up on a Tuesday or Wednesday night at a café and there were not much of people around and we couldn’t think of a place to go after coffee so we decided to hangout at universal city walk instead. I felt embarrassed because he had to drive up to my place to pick me up and he was coming from the long beach area so it’s far from mine and he still drove up to universal then after that, bring me back home. I was new at this country and I don’t know anything so I felt really shy and just embarrassed. I don’t even think he would be interested to meet up again but he did invite me to go to Knott’s scary farm but I was still in this on and off relationship so I declined his invitation. I’m not like thinking he likes me or anything in that sense, not even now. I don’t want to put malice on the friendship and start putting thoughts on my head. I would just assume I’m a friend, somebody he could talk to. I can’t explain why he’s on my mind right now. It is one of my moments and it feels weird. It’s like when I think about him I start babbling and talk gibberish too. I’m trying to convince myself that this is frivolous.

So we conversed and he told me he’s back in school (surprisingly). He said he works part time now and he wants to get over school and he asked me what’s been up with me and I was just like yeah I’m back in school too and that it’s kind of stressing me out. He even remembered my birthday and asked what my plans are… so I was like I think I’m just going to sleep on it because I have school on Thursday anyways and I have to review math because we’ll be given tests. He surprised me by asking me like isn’t your boyfriend taking you out and I was just like nah… I don’t have one and he laughed. I just told him that he’s making me feel bad that I don’t have one then we just laughed but then he had to cut the conversation short because his classes are starting already…

That was it, that’s the whole conversation. That’s why I feel weird. Weird in a way I can’t really explain. He kind of sounded different though. It was like I was talking to a different person but I can’t say if it’s a good or bad thing. Maybe it’s because we haven’t talked for a while. I don’t want to think I like him. Not even a little. I don’t even want to think thoughts of him. It’s just making me feel weird.

I don’t know why I have become this person that gets anxious when she hears dating. I guess because I never really dated here and it’s like every guy I meet, I never assume they like me more than a friend. It might be because I’m not used to dating anymore after being in a long term relationship one after the other or maybe I am just too frightened of a person to be in a relationship again. I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to let myself love another person because it’s like giving them the chance to hurt me. Most of all, I don’t want to hurt the person I love.

It’s just that I’m tired of giving myself, giving everything I could and at the end losing. I know it’s better to have loved and lost that not love at all but I always fail at it. It’s jus like going on a battle unprepared but you still continue to fight even if you’re not ready. At the end, you lose. Then I end up running to myself…

I used to say to myself that experience is the best teacher. That the pain I went thru before was all worth it because you’ve gone thru the joys and they matter more than the downside of the relationship. That you need not to brood over and deliberate about the hurting instead be blissful and happy that you met the person and was able to share memories with that person because it can only happen once in your life. But all these were what I used to tell myself before, not now… I still can’t explain how I feel no matter how hard I try…

I’m trying to think happy thoughts.

Saturday afternoon was a great day for me. I went out to chill and hang out at the beach with this friend. It was fun. I love hanging out at the beach and just look around. I love seeing the diversity and the differences that each and every person have. I love looking at the paintings and listening to music. I just love seeing talented people everywhere. It was awesome and it gave me the feeling of serenity (though it was a little cold, I mean chilly). Watched a movie after and it was the weatherman starred by Nicolas Cage. I wouldn’t say it’s a very good movie. It’s a type of movie that’s in between of the best and the worst, in short boring. It made sense though even if it was a little boring. Sunday afternoon, Went out to have coffee and watched a chick flick which was failure to launch. It started out funny but as usual it gets cheesy at the end then decided to rent red eye (it was okay… just okay) then went home after the movies… Saturday and Sunday were good days for me. I got to relax and unwind and forget the stress of school. I love chilling and I love movies so it all fits in my usual rest days agenda.

I have to go for now and stop writing and thinking about things or people too much. I have to review math.

So i'm hoping for better days…