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I appreciate the advice teej but I just think you need to know everything first so you truly understand what I mean. Indeed life here in America is way simpler than life in the Philippines filled with so much drama and bullshit. I don't even worry as much as I did when I was back home worrying on how i'm going to pay the bills or how i'm going to get the money to eat or go to school but then I had people to lean on to... In the span of time I have been here it was just work or school and nothing to do with men or circle of friends because I don't think I don't think I have both anyways. I've been so focused with work or school that sometimes I feel alone because I am really and I remembered what you said regarding happiness being a choice and I guess the whole time I've been in this country, I have chosen to be alone, sad and at times pity myself and it's just not right and I know I have to get back on track and take a hold of my life because I'm lossing ME meaning I wasn't like this before (down and sad) I used to be so talkative and full of laughter and silly jokes and I have to go back to ME...

I honestly think i have moved on specially with the idea whirling in my head since july 2005 that I will still go back to my homeland and live a simple life, a life I'm used to living. I know that everything in life is not easy and the harder you work the more you appreciate things around you but then you can't take my nostalgia away from me. It will be a part of me forever...

I just think regarding the issue with my dad is that I don't feel like I'm growing as a person. I hate relying on other people so I could do stuff and get around the place even like the simplest stuff that friends would pick me up and we'll hang out and chill, I hate the fact that they have to pick me up because I feel like in a way it's depending on them to bring me around. I'm not used to that. I've been used to taking the jeepneys, a cab or the bus to take me from point A to point B.

I'm not used to relying on my dad. i never relied on him. I think I have been used to feeling alone almost all my life and sometimes I choose to be alone instead. I'm too scared of commitments because I'm scared that people will leave... Just like my life when I was young. Me finding my mom doesn't mean everythings perfect now... It doesn't mean I don't feel alone... I only feel worst... I don't know... It saddens me after I read what I have written. To me it feels like i'm reading another person's blog because I never realized I am this sad inside of me... I just write and write and at the end it seems like another person worte it because I have always been the type of person that doesn't show people her feelings. I'm used to hiding. I guess it seems to me that i'm also in a way lying to myself... I don't know anymore...