She will be loved...

Why have I become this pessimist cynic skeptic full of doubts type of person when it comes to meeting people in the sense that you try to build a relationship and get to know each other better? I guess part of me is tired of getting hurt after giving everything I could to make the relationship work. Part of me is scared because you don’t just give your time to the other person but also your emotions and that is just to end up in a failed relationship and realize that you have wasted so much time and efforts and energy by being with the other person. Part of me is hiding and fearful of sharing myself because I feel like I’m really not what or who they think I am or that idea they make up in their heads of who I am…

I don’t even know when to think that the other person likes me or wants something more than friendship because I don’t assume. I don’t want to fall in love or I would state it in another way and that’s I don’t want to fall hard for another person because I’m really scared of failing. I’ve lost so many battles already and I don’t think I still have the energy to continue fighting and continue being strong because the only strength I have is from within me, from what I have gone thru and what I have learned because of experiences. Sometimes one gets tired too… I’m only human… Like everybody else…

Sometimes I even get too paranoid that I feel like this other person likes me because its either there is a bet or his ego he needs to prove or he wants to get in my pants. I know it’s too paranoid but I’m just trying to stay away from guys. I have fallen in love and I know what it feels and I know it’s the best feeling but I also know how it feels to lose the person you love most and it’s the worst feeling. I have taken my risks and they lead me nowhere. They caused me nothing but pain. I have taken too much risks and I’m tired.

I don’t want to fight anymore and I feel like giving up… I guess I need somebody who will fight for me…

How this night ended is making me think... Making me think too much...