love what you do vs. do what you love

i have started with my clinicals at school and i am also starting to question myself. should i do what i love or just love what i do? i have been baffled lately and bombarded by this question in my head. i have been spending my days and my spare time reading my books for school or sitting on my couch watching filipino telenovelas or american reality shows which is in a way a lil bit sickening...

my mouth and my brain has ran out of words to make out stories... all that circulates in my head are nursing, theory, clinical, patients and a lot of things in relation to...

i remember the first clinical wherein i saw a colostomy and take note it didnt have a bag and i kinda shaked, almost in a crying state.

then i remember just last week how i didnt feel aything when i saw a dead person in the hospital.

i honestly have no idea what the future holds for me. i dont know if in the long run ill be able to love what i do and forget about doing what i love... i pray to god for his guidance though... i hate questioning myself about my decisions... i hate being unsure...

It’s so surprising how I have become a walled person… I would say I wasn’t like this before and I was always willing to give my all but then after a rigorous journey of failed relationships I think I got tired of it. I do not regret anything in my life and I do not regret the people I have chosen to love but then I have become just like them… completely walled… that’s why things didn’t work out… I have become completely walled… unwilling to give.

Now that I have found the right person, the one I have always been waiting for, the one I asked God to lead my way to, the one I know and feel that I have loved the most, I am taking it for granted. I am letting go.

I was losing hope. I gave up on my prayers. Nothing mattered to me anymore as I immersed myself with my friend… vodka that is… Then I saw a poem I wrote for Tommy. I broke down into tears prayed to God and asked him for guidance fro the both of us. I believe that he didn’t lead us to each others way for nothing. I asked for forgiveness then I felt him watching over me again telling me everything will be okay. Telling me he’s there to stop my crying. Telling me to stop pushing him away…

Come what may… whatever it is that’s meant to happen will happen… I never thought I could love him this much and I had no idea it was going to hurt a thousand times more too but if he’s letting go I will accept it whole heartedly though it will hurt me… that’s how much I love him.

I love him too much to let him go… far too much to let him fly…

Sometimes one has to get hurt to be able to love… one has to let go to accept… one has to cry her heart out to smile and laugh once more… one has to lose her battles to gain courage and strength to fight again…

Life is a series of never ending trials and tribulations but it doesn’t mean one gives up… it only means one has to try harder… the you live and appreciate things more…
It works the same way with loving too…
I’m not giving up on the person I love the most.