lucky you... unlucky me... literally...

and so what a bad day again for me to get another ticket (well atleast its just a parking ticket) eventhough!!!

well i got the highest grade on my 2 quizzes today but still there had to be a bad event occuring just to ruin it... ayayay... and it hasnt even been 2 weeks since i got my speeding ticket...

how unlucky...

bring me back my luck... whoever took it!

a life i was never used to...

i have gathered all my belongings and stacked them up in boxes. i never thought my life, my memories, things i have collected in the span of time ive been here could all fit in a box. it sounds sad to me because i never had to pack. i lived in one house when i was young til i matured into a lady. now i am moving to another house again just right after a year of being here...

i think its just the feeling of stability that im trying to find right now. the feeling i had once when i was in the philippines. having a home... not just a house.

i am all worried about my expenses too because im just waiting for my bill to come from the speeding ticket i got last week and im hoping so bad that its not that big of an amount...

anyways i got a job last week too. its a telemarketing job and i feel like finally i have a job but then i feel like its not what i want to. i cant stop being so conscious about the way i talk for some odd reason i just dont feel comfortable and my pessimistic side is kickin' in again hich is not so good. i dont know what to do about this.

why cant i just read the future...

i take it back...

so i go to another journey... another house...

and become...

a gypsy...

me and my speeding ticket... :-(

I believe that your whole mood in the morning right when you wake up affects your whole day and I think I just had one of my worst… Start it off with waking up pretty late for school then getting a speeding ticket on the way to the hospital (for school). It just ruined my whole day because I just can’t stop thinking of a way to tell my dad and to figure out how to pay for the ticket if I don’t tell him. So I just have this headache about the whole thing that transpired today. I cannot count anymore how many times I said the word “pissed” today like I just say “I’m so pissed!” over and over and over again.

Anyways looking onto the bright side at least I have learned my lesson that one should follow the rules whether someone is looking after you or not.

I am still tired from school as usual. I think it’s really because I still haven’t accepted it but then for me the greatest gift I get from nursing is getting complements from your patient. I remember yesterday how two patients of mine made my day because they told me that I was caring and very gentle and that I’m not like the other nurses that just do their job and not even have the compassion. At least I get the fulfillment from helping them and making them feel better and now I have to care for somebody more than myself and think about them and how they feel before me. Though I won’t be able to teach special children I can still make other people feel special just by taking care of them. It really feels fulfilling… Feels very good and overwhelming.

I think I will figure things out in time… Life is a gift from God and it’s a huge humungous puzzle that we figure out as we age and we understand more of it and we see that it isn’t that complex at all. I may stumble and fall sometimes but it’s all a part of living.

My lesson for the day is Newton’s third law stating that in every action there is an equal reaction…

I feel like I’m losing focus on things that I have to prioritize. I had to wake up at 3 a.m. to study but I didn’t. I woke up around 6 a.m. I know I would still be able to make it at school but then I don’t know anything for the test. I only have 3 days of school and on my spare time I don’t study that’s why I feel so bad cramming and not having enough time. I know it’s something I should work on but I guess part of it is because it not what I want to do. Sometimes I don’t know anymore how to convince myself that I could do this.

I do want to be good at what I do but I think I just need a break from it. Every time I go to school I feel like the same thing is going to happen. It feels like I just don’t see myself doing it in the future and it bothers me because it has been an issue with me since I started this. The contemplations I go thru just drives me crazy. I always feel baffled when it comes to this issue. I am clueless and I need somebody to save me…

my anniversary...

I can still remember events that have transpired a year ago… they’re still very clear on my mind. A week before July 3rd 2005 was when I got a phone call from the embassy telling me that my passport is ready for pick up. I never expected it to be that soon but I wanted to leave as soon as possible so I could get it over with. I remember how sad I was being alone in the Philippines and wanting to leave the country so bad but after my realizations I felt deep inside me that it was there I was meant to stay. It is my home and always will be. No matter what the struggles the Philippines made me go thru, I still became strong and independent.

July 2 was when I went clubbing with my friends. It still hasn’t sinked in me that I’m leaving the next day and it seemed like a normal Saturday night out for me. I remember all my friends surrounding me and telling me they’re going to miss me but all that was in my mind was that I’m going back… All that I wanted to think about was that I’m going back…

So after my night out I woke up pretty late on July 3rd then I started packing. My friends Dana and Eya went to my place to say their goodbyes but we didn’t even cry because everybody thought or knew I was going back. Time came when I had to say goodbye to my house, my yaya and Geir. I don’t know why tears suddenly came running down my cheeks. I didn’t want to hug them nor look at them. I cannot stand seeing them cry and I cannot let them see my weakness. But for some odd reason I felt like it was going to be the last time that I will see them. I wasn’t wrong…

First few months in America are one of the saddest moments in my life. I think it’s because my heart wasn’t entirely here. My mind and my heart are what I forgot to bring with me from the Philippines. I think it’s because I was expecting to go back and I have no closures with people I left back home. I wasn’t even able to say goodbye to most of my friends. I wasn’t even able to bring things that meant a lot to me. My whole 18 years of life is what I have left behind…

It’s a funny coincidence that my first day in America right after the airport I saw the Santa Monica Beach and I fell in love with it quickly so I went there on my first day and today that I celebrate my first year here I only realized it when I was at Santa Monica Beach again when my stepmum reminded me about it.

Now that I mark down my first year in America, I look back on memories that have made me who I am today. I know that a lot of things have changed me and I know that I am a better person now because of my past. I do not regret being here anymore. What I regret is failing to look at things in a brighter side. I mean this is a blessing in disguise and it has taught me a lot of things. God gave me the opportunity to start anew… to start things right… to have a new life and not everybody gets the chance to do something like that. I know that this is just another of God’s tests and I just had to overcome it to be stronger and to have more faith and trust in Him. I have now accepted that this is my home but it doesn’t mean I have forgotten the place where I came from. I will never forget the Philippines but I refuse to live on my past. I love the Philippines that will never change and I will be forever thankful to my country for making me who I am. I will forever be thankful to all my friends whom I have shared my good times and the bad. I will forever be thankful to God for letting me experience what it’s like to grow up in Pinas… what it’s like to be a Filipino…