no love, no glory...

I feel like I am turning into a hard stone…

I cannot remember the last time I cried myself to sleep… I guess it has been a long time that I have not given any thoughts or talked about my feelings and problems neither to anyone nor to myself. I am that type of person. All my life I have been used to relying to nobody else but me. I have been used to people I love the most leaving me. Don’t pity me for that though because I won’t be who I am right now if not because of accepting my trials and difficulties. I just didn’t think I would still have tears to cry, I thought I was numbed already from all the pain and hardships I have gone thru… but then I was wrong. Right before the night ended, I talked to somebody close to me, somebody who is a part of the family and I found out that she already knows what transpired this early morning at home. I got into an argument with my father because I got home 6 am. I am not going to try to justify what I did because I know I did something wrong but I cannot take away the feelings I feel right now whether they maybe good or bad. I think my dad could have talked to me in a better way, I think it’s unfair that he’s being strict with me now because where was he when I needed him? Where was he when I was growing up? Where was he when I have become this insecure little girl because of my stepmother? He was nowhere to be found. I don’t think you can blame me for thinking these thoughts. I know I have gotten over it for sure. One has to shed away the old skin for the new one to come out? But people just can’t take away the pain that occurred in my life when I was younger. They will always be a part of me. They will forever be a mark that even though I want them to be erased, they are permanent. Lasting…

Right now I’m just thinking to myself that my dad and I fought because he just cares for me but if he cares for me why wouldn’t he understand me? Why wouldn’t he even try? Why just now?

I am furious not because I got grounded or I can’t go out real late. I am furious because I want him to look at himself and think real well of the way he treated me and the way he treats me now. I want him to realize than even though all my childhood years he wasn’t there, I have grown up to be a daughter that he can be proud of. A daughter that chose to walk the straight path though she may have strayed, stumbled and have fallen hard, still she was able to pick herself up. Maybe I just want to know why he cares with my life now when he made me used to the feeling of him not being around.

I don’t think sheer suffering alone teaches a person because if it did then all of us would have the gift of wisdom and shrewd. There’s something more to sheer suffering. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable. I think that just going thru the pain and suffering isn’t enough to teach you in life because there must be an acceptance that comes with that, just like the acceptance we give to happiness when it knocks on our doors.

I am tired of getting hurt but I’m tired of thinking and being scared too. I have made my decision to just let myself go. I want to love like it’s never going to hurt. I know it hurts to love again and again. It hurts to take the risk and fall flat on your face. It hurts when you leave the one you love the most. It hurts to love and see or feel that slowly fading away. Seeing or feeling that the relationship isn’t going anywhere. All these don’t matter to me anymore. I want to live and let go. I want to love and care for another person and not just myself.

God sure has his ways of letting you see sunshine after the storm. Letting you know that there are people who care and not just the ones you worry too much about for not caring about you…

Even though this day is like one of the worst days I’ve ever had in America, I’m not enraged. The more I appreciate it because I come to realizations that clear my mind of doubts and fears. Realization that help me take the leap and get over the past and look forward to the future.

And so I thought I have turned into a hard stone… Maybe not all of me…