a week of reading...

I spent my week reading for this Thursday’s lesson and studying with Tommy at night. Reading the whole week sounds so dorky but yeah that’s all I did except for last mother’s day which was my father’s birthday wherein I went out with Tommy to eat dinner with his family but too bad his mom didn’t make it though. Finally me being grounded will end this week too and I’m kind of excited because at least I can go out again because school is making me go crazy big time. My sister went back to San Diego last week and the house just freaking sounds and feels empty now that she’s gone. I miss her so much. I miss hugging my sister at night and just seeing her and seeing her smile that brightens up my day. I am so surprised of knowing I could love a person as much as I love my sister. I mean to think we just met but then it feels like we are intertwined to each other and it’s just amazing. These are things that have transpired this week. Well nothing great or big but I’m actually happy because I got to spend time with my sister, my grandmother and Tommy too.

So people close to me have been bugging me about Tommy and asking me if we’re together. Well we’re not but honestly right now I don’t think it matters that much to me. It’s just so inconsequential to me. I just think that whatever status or whatever relationship we have right now is perfect, well close to perfection. I think all that matters to me is that we are both happy to be with each other. We share experiences and memories and we help each other, in short we add up to each other’s completion and happiness. No words or status could take that away from the both of us. I also feel like it’s really good for the both of us that we are waiting and being patient with this relationship because it’s just like a flower that you wait to bloom or a fruit that you wait for it to ripened and by saying this waiting and being patient helps our relationship grow and mature I guess… I’m not as scared as I was like weeks ago because everything in life is a risk. If I stumble, fall hard and flat on my face then I’ll stand up again and know that the next time I’ll be a better and stronger person. I’ll also be happy that I got to be with Tommy well if it doesn’t work out but I’m not thinking like a pessimist about this. Happiness is a choice and now I choose to be happy.

I bet if I read my posts before I would sound so mad at my dad but like now it’s all gone in my head. I have just become this person that learns to let go of the anger inside me because it doesn’t really make me feel any better, it doesn’t make me a better person and I don’t want to end up insecure because I’ve been keeping grudges deep inside of me. I think it’s a good thing that I have learned to forgive, live and just let go. Still to err and feel is human and I am one.

Right this moment thoughts twirling inside my head are about my career choices. So I’m on to becoming maybe a LVN, RN, RN-BSN, or whatever nurse with a specialty and because of today’s lecture I feel like maybe it’s not all about the money. This has never been my dream but then maybe I’m meant to do it. God is guiding me and maybe this is my calling. It gets hard yes it does but then everything in life is hard and something that one has never worked hard for is not really appreciated but then that’s just my opinion. I’m thinking that when time comes and I’m already taking care of people, I’m just wondering how it would feel in a way that I am surrounded with sickness or illness, people deteriorating right before my eyes, people getting weak and most of all death. I am really unsure of how I would react to this and how I would take it.

I just want to help people and I want to see them get better. I want to see smiles around me from my patients because those are the priceless moments. Moments that can never be paid with money or replaced by money…

What I’m sure of is that I do like what I’m doing right now, I am happy 100% with what I have and with myself as well, I am complete, I am whole and that God is with me all the time...