babble all day... all night...

due to excessive talking and writing about things happening around me and in my life... i forgot a minor detail... i colored my hair dark brown... i'm back to being a brunette just a little darker than before though but it's alright. a new life demands for a new hair... i should probably throw away a gift card for the salon that i got... i don't think i'll still be needing it... or maybe give it somebody else... hayayay... i talk too much...

i don't think we have this in the philippines so as usual i am amazed :-) and i can't stop singing my blog song... last song syndrome huh!!! love that song... 

pop tarts are gifts from heaven! i can't believe i'm this shallow hehehe... 

april and the medical term stalker... (no sense at all) i know...

My day started with waking up earlier than I used to. I was kind of rushing because I slept pretty late last night having one of those late night conversations with my stepmum. This was also the day where my father will be watching and observing the way I drive and I hate it… he never tells me when I’m doing a great job and I feel like it’s always my mistakes and blunders that he notices. I guess some parents are like that in a way and I’m a hard headed girl too so I understand him. He still doesn’t trust the way I drive and because I’m nervous due to wanting to please him badly I made a mistake right at the beginning. I was driving an automatic car and using both my feet having my right step on the gas and left on the breaks. I was like why are the breaks this way? He replied “it’s an automatic car!” I gushed and felt unease… just responded “oh yeah I forgot!” but the whole travel was pretty much okay. I think I did well…

I spent my half day at school just tackling about MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY (which made my brain just freeze at the moment we were discussing…). Just typing it and hearing myself say it gives me the feeling of butterflies in my stomach. The feeling of vomiting… I honestly cannot believe I am on my way to having a career in the medical field…

I always wanted to be a teacher. I always wanted to teach special children. I want to be able to use what God has given me as a tool in helping out children that are less privileged. I want them to feel like they are no difference to who I am or what I am. God just chose them and made them more special.

Before I entered the school, I had to go through the interviews and the counselor gave me hope by telling me that being in the medical field, I will still be able to pursue the dream of teaching. It cheered me up and made me feel better. A door closed for me but a window opened. God is really good.

I am nervous though. I was emailing my friend about the school program and he’s doing the same thing just in another college and he goes saying something like “stress will be your boyfriend…” I replied to him by saying I’d rather stay single all my life than have stress be my boyfriend. It is difficult to be in the medical field and I’m getting all these jittery feelings because I am not a hundred percent sure with what lies ahead. What I keep in mind to enthuse and motivate me is that you can’t have everything in life the easy way. The harder you work for whatever it is you want, the more you appreciate what you have achieved. Just like my past, I got everything easy; I always took the easy way out as well, in a way I took the sweet life and I never knew I’d be bitter from the sweet…

Just because something is difficult doesn’t mean you stop trying… It only means you have to work harder…

As soon as I got home, I ate the whole tilapia set aside for me in the dining table, washed the dishes and dozed to sleep! My brain was hurting, not my body. But it was all good. Downside of sleeping too much is that I woke up pretty late around seven and I still had to complete some of my requirements in school so my stepmum accompanied me to Walgreen’s to buy what I needed. In the process of looking for my stuff, she found this hair straightening product that would last for 3 months and is something you can do at home and of course being a FOB I was in awe… as usual. I was excited to do her hair so I convinced her to get it. She got me a box of pop tarts (strawberry flavored ones too!) And yes again I was amazed. That doesn’t sound so surprising anymore hahaha. As soon as we got home I opened my pop tarts box and started munching on it (you can’t blame me! I never tried it when I was in the Philippines and I’m not even sure if we have it there) and my mom showered and I started working on her hair :-) it probably took us 2 hours to do the whole process and she just went to bed so I’m left here writing on my blog… the result was nice although my stepmum is quite a finicky type of person so it was just plain okay with her. I don’t think she was that happy with it but I hope she is…

I need to rest and prepare myself for another day of school (a mind boggling experience again).

I am feeling like I should most likely change this blog’s title to “This is a story of a FOB girl”…\I am acting so like a FOB well I am I know but I don’t really care… I love being Filipino… I love getting to find out about the simple things in this country even though I’m a little old for that because it just makes me happy… makes me have tachy cardia (medical term for fast heart) – yikes!!! The medical terms are following me, I mean stalking me! Anyways I love being shallow, in the sense that I love that simple things make me a happy person already… that’s what I always wanted to be, that’s what I always needed.
Maybe I forgot to laugh before and I filled my head with too much worries and sadness that it overflowed already…

I am happy and content the way I am right at this moment, with myself and the people surrounding me specially my family and my faith.

I need to let the bed bugs bite me now… it’s getting pretty late… :-) tralala…

weird photo... 

i love sleeping!!! i can never get enough... 

i love sleeping beside my sister!!! 

I sleep too much...

I woke up pretty late today (around 3:00 p.m.) considering I went to bed around 11:30 pm. I’ve been sleeping for more than 15 hours. This is how it’s been for the couple of months I have been here.

I had no idea where to start with my life. I was able to get a job October 2005 and I haven’t quit yet but I’m not working anymore. The last time I worked regular was January coz it was still busy due to the holiday season. After that and all the stress that comes with it, I have made up my mind that I have to do something with my life. With myself.

There were so many reasons hindering me on moving and actually doing something such as applying for a job that I would really like or looking around for a college or a university. I even got a job last February as a secretary for a nursing school and they pay pretty good, well better than the place I work for. The downside of it is that I had to move to Long Beach (it’s almost 60 miles from my place) because if I’d be driving it would probably take me more than 3 hours because of heavy traffic in the morning and night as well.

What was stopping me? When my dad finally decided that he’s letting me go, I felt unsure. I felt like this is not what I really want. I want to go to school. I’ve been wanting to go to school for the past few months. I’m the type of person that takes education seriously. I don’t want to be a bimbo dim-witted girl.

Another reason for procrastinating was that I was still in a relationship. This guy and I were together for more than 2 years. We’ve been together since both of us were in the Philippines and he moved to L.A. first and I had to move 6 months after as well but nothing of it was planned. The type of relationship we had was or has always been like I relied on him on everything. I’m not the type of person that relies on people to have something done because I grew up relying on nobody else but just me. I honestly think that I just gave in to being used to having this person around, helping me. I didn’t really take it in a positive way because I knew and I wanted to stand on my own two feet but he made me used to the feeling that he’s there to help me with everything or do things for me.

The relationship didn’t work out. So by the time we broke up I was left helpless. I honestly don’t know much about this place so I don’t know my way around. I had no friends and I wasn’t doing anything, literally.

My stepmum was there for me that time and she was giving me all the advice that I needed and it helped me get thru it. After a week of drinking at home, sleeping pills and all the re runs of sex and the city, I was finally over it. I asked my stepmum to accompany me to this nursing school and right then and there I took the entrance exam and I passed it. The following day I worked on my requirements and now I’m attending school that just started last week. I guess I just needed a wake up call. It’s like I fell into a deep sleep forgetting that I had to wake up and go back to my life.

I think the heartache was worth it. It acted as my alarm clock. Even though it crushed me, it was worth it. What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger…

So school is the start of another catastrophe or cataclysm. Not in the way that it would stress me physically or mentally but in the way that I would be fighting, arguing and debating with my mum about it.

She is so stressing and straining me out.

My mum doesn’t want to give me a copy of her income tax return making me unable to avail a grant which means free money. A certain amount from my tuition fee will be paid for by the government if my mum just signs a form and gives a copy of the ITR so that the government can estimate an amount that will be given for me without having to pay it back. So it leaves me arguing with her and shouting back at her because she doesn’t want to help at all.

I don’t get her. Maybe because I didn’t grow up with her but this is like one of the reasons why in a way I was disappointed meeting her. In my opinion, the span of time we got to be together and I was able to meet her and know her, I would say she’s the type of person that didn’t really get over her past. I think she feels like the weight of the world is on her shoulders. I just can’t stand people who complain everyday about their life or their past.

The last time I conversed with her, I asked her straight if she was going to help me and she was like I’ll think about it and I told her I don’t have much time but she just told me it’s not her problem but mine.
She just babbled about the past and I just said what happened before to her is not my fault and whatever happened with her and my dad is none of my business. I don’t want to meddle nor take sides. I think what she wants to happen is for me to live in San Diego and help her, literally. Like take care of my sister and help her pay the bills. I don’t think it’s my responsibility to. My dad took care of me all my life and paid for everything but never did he make it my responsibility to help him with the bills or repay everything he did for me. Never did he ask me for money that I have earned even when we were in the Philippines. Whatever I work for is mine and it’s not a responsibility but a choice to help my father or my grandmother.

I hate having a grudge, resentment or feeling of bitterness inside me or towards another person. It’s just not worth it. If my mum doesn’t want to accept me for me I won’t force her to. I don’t want pushing myself to a person that doesn’t like me. I will not agonize over what I don’t have or people that can’t love me, neither will I loathe about it... I will just be thankful and moreover surround myself with people that loves me and accepts me for who I am.

I’ll just let things be and come what may.

I need to focus now with the important things and just let the feeling of abhorrence and hatred go.

I also need to work on my sleeping schedule. Too much sleeping is bad and waste of time too. I guess I have to work on it real soon…

miss the beach :-( 

happy birthday shaira!

i almost forgot to greet one of my closest friend and my sister shaira! happy birthday! i wish i was there to spend it with her though... argh... i hate thinking about birthdays coz it makes me remember that mines comin up pretty soon. i hate birthdays.

i did post some of our pics way back like almost 4 years ago? we did look young shai and it's funny to look at it now. i miss my group of friends too... that's why i posted a group picture made by shaira. (thanks!) i need to go back home pretty soon...

group picture 

christmas with shaira!!! 

christmas with shaira!!! 

under the bridge... only in the philippines :-) 

The crowded streets, The jeepney rides...

I stumbled upon some photos of the Philippines environment so I thought it would be perfect to post them to remind me as well of where I came from and what I miss... This is a jeepney.

Jollibee vs. Mcdo

I love jollibee! It captures the Filipino taste in food! Can't believe I haven't eaten Jollibee for 8 months now ayayay :-(

This is the story of a girl...

I haven’t written anything for so long. Now I’m having a hard time opening up. I’m really not the type of person who can open up to anybody. My closest friends can attest to that. I have only been here in California for 8 months. I wasn’t really planning to migrate here and the plan was just for a month’s visit but I had no idea my family planned way before I arrived here. Basically when I got here I had no friends to talk to, no school, jobless, not a clue on what I’m supposed to do. I was stuck with the idea that I was going to come back to the Philippines and pursue my dream of studying at De La Salle University to be a teacher and to model and act at the same time…

I got everything I wanted back home. I got in my choice of university, I got a contract for acting and I did a pretty good job before I left in regards to my modeling. I think I can say everything was rooting my way.
There are things left unnoticed too. I mean it’s only now I realize how easy it was for me to get what I fancied when I was still in the Philippines. My house was too big for me, I had a maid (meaning I didn’t have to wash dishes or do the laundry). I could easily pay the bills. I didn’t need a car to move around because we had the buses and cabs everywhere, the jeepney rides, tricycles, MRT... People my age or even older than me didn’t really need to look for a job while studying or even when you’re in college. It was normal to be like that.

My life was just school, climbing and if I’m not chilling with my closest friends I would be partying really hard.

Now I ask myself, do I regret living here? If I’d be faced with the same question 6 months ago I would say “I REGRET IT…” but now it’s okay. I mean life can only get better. When you lose something, you can regain it in another way. I do miss being with my friends and my second family (thanks to Dana!), I miss partying, I miss getting drunk without worrying about driving, I miss looking for flea markets and bargaining for clothes, I miss modeling, I miss everything about my country. It’s like being in love for the first time… and breaking up for the first time… It’s painful but I know I got to move on. It’s an experience worth taking the risk for. It’s loving unconditionally. It’s the Philippines… not a perfect country, not even close to perfection but I love it even for its flaws.

I have left my old life behind me now but I have not forgotten. I’m not a saint. I’m not a perfect person either. Before I left I did everything I could because I knew I wasn’t coming back. Everything was worth it even though it was painful or embarrassing or just plain stupid. I got drunk a lot of times, puked a lot too… (And I don’t suggest you try it!) It was crazy and fun but stupid. I mean I just wanted to know how it feels to just let loose, be carefree and just get crazy but still it’s not worth it. I mean everything should always be in moderation… (That’s my stand on partying or having fun…) Way back I partied every single day…(and I got tired of it too!) I got to meet my old friends and go out with them because they knew I was leaving soon which was fun and kind of sentimental too. I did a lot of things before I left and I’m glad I did. Experience is the best teacher…

Now I start anew. I just applied at a nursing school which scares me so much because I know I’m going to go thru a lot of stress. A LOT…
I plan to look for a job when I get to adjust to everything that’s going on with my life…

The best thing that happened to me moving here in Cali was to meet my sister. I never knew I had a sister. I never met my mother when I was in the Philippines. We were estranged so I grew up with my father and never had any contact with my mother for 18 years. Then I found out from a close friend that my cousin (on my mom’s side) is her niece and that’s when I got a hold of my mother. I found out I had a sister and that they reside in San Diego. That’s why I was able to go and live here in this country too…

I know and I thought too that meeting my mom for the first time was going to be the most memorable experience in my life but it wasn’t. Sounds odd huh? I know…

My father and I don’t have the most perfect relationship but we got along very well as I was getting older but with my mom I guess I was just disappointed. As time passed by and I got to know her, it wasn’t the relationship of a mother-daughter I was hoping for. But still I’m glad that I met my sister even though I felt let down by my mother. My sister is the greatest gift God has given me. She is the reason why I’m still trying my best to have a better life for myself so I can provide for her in the future. She gives me the strength and courage to live life… She’s my angel in disguise.

Basically I have discoursed and just put in plain words my journey. The story of a girl that lived her whole 18 years in the Philippines and suddenly move to California, met her mother for the first time in her life, found out she has a sister (and she loved it!), finally making use of myspace (hahaha), not being able to drink alcohol due to some strict laws in AmericaL, getting paranoid with driving, not be able to go to clubs unless they’re 18 and above (which sucks big time!), and meeting new people. Getting over my shyness and timidity. I used to hate being here but I’ve finally came to a conclusion that there are a lot of things to love here (and day by day hopefully I find out why I’m destined or meant to be here)… But it doesn’t mean I have forgotten where I came from…

I hope people who gets to visit my blog continue checking it out :-)

This is the story of a girl…