The flowers you gave have all dried up...
Even the smile I once had on my face...
I carefully think of words to write...
But all I can think about's your kisses, your face, your touch. your warm embrace...
The world is telling me to fear not of seeing you once again...
But I still cannot understand...
How do i let go of someone as beautiful as you?
How do I live?
How do I love again?

The day you said i love you... the day I say goodbye...

It was a silent moment for both of us as were lying down with my head facing his… I closed my eyes and whispered to him how much I loved being with him… he didn’t answer…
Then I heard him saying my name – “April… April…” I responded by opening my eyes and looking into his…
His eyes seemed restless… tired… but they were sparkling… like the candles burning into the night surrounding our bed… He looked straight into my eyes as I was awaiting for what he had to say…
Then I hear these words…
“I love you…”

I turned my back thinking to myself if I should tell him how much I really love him but I was frightened not because I do not love him but because I do very much but my head and my mind is telling me to just let him go. I turned back and faced him, looked at him wanting to say those words back but before I could speak a word he told me how he has been thinking of saying it to me but he was just waiting for the right time. I asked him – “please make sure first that you do then tell me again after you think about what you just said…” but then he said he was sure. I was silent… though I had a smile on my face … I closed my eyes… took a deep breathe… looked at him straight in his eyes…
then I told him I love him…

In the span of time we have shared together I think this would probably be the most important moment. A moment I would forever treasure. He made it so special and so perfect that I just couldn’t ask for more…

I feel like I ruined this special day though… he had planned this weeks ago and I forced him to tell me about it then I blushed when he did because it’s all sweet and perfect. The day before the 27th of May, I cried myself the whole night because my plans didn’t work out the way I wanted them to. I wasn’t angry just because I couldn’t get what I wanted… I was angry because I do not understand…

My dad and I argued… I feel angry because he wasn’t like this before and I do not have any idea why he’s stooping me or trying his hardest to be a father to me when It’s too late already. I mean I’ve already grown up and I’ve already gone thru the pain and heartaches and why would he even bother to make up for it now? I do not understand… I still pushed thru with the plan and I really didn’t want to go home. I felt alone… I felt held up in the neck too tight… I felt unhappy… I felt down… I wanted to be with the person that takes all that away from me and shows me how beautiful life is… It’s so amazing too how life works and how God put people in your life. I mean I never imagined that my new friends from school would even bother helping me out with my issues and dilemmas. I just know that whatever I’m deprived of God makes up for it… and I’m thankful for that…

My dad reacted the way I expected him to but then I didn’t even know I was grounded again for the second time and it was worst because I couldn’t use the phone and not even an internet access. I do understand it was my fault but sometimes in order for me to understand my dad, he has to understand me as well… just like how the telephone works… it works both ways… I feel so weak… I want to give up…

I always tried to please my dad… do everything for my dad… offer everything for him but then he never noticed that. I’m not even being sensitive about it because I got so used to it that it feels numb already. All this time I have been doing things for my family but then do they care? I mean I think I should do it for myself now. Everything was for them but things I do would always go unnoticed… I would always be second best to my dad… I was never treated like I am the best for him or special for him… it never worked that way… I was just a kid he never wanted in the first place… His kid that he can’t stand seeing… These past few years I have been trying to patch up my relationship with him but these past few years brought me nothing but pain. For the first time in my life I am giving up on my dad. I am accepting the fact that maybe that’s all he wants to be and all he could be. That I will and always be second best… I just hate how this affects me… I have always let it affect me and things I do. I mean I do feel numb most of the time and I just hate it when I cry and I feel alone… I don’t want to feel that way anymore… I don’t want him to make me feel that way…

Over and over I have proven to myself I am my refuge… I am my home… I will always end up with myself…

Tommy makes me happy… he takes all these pain and makes them smiles, laughter and happiness… He is as important as my sister to me right now… I am scared of things not working out because I don’t want to be left alone again…. I don’t think I could take that very well…. I hate though of letting him go though but I don’t know if it’s the best for him… if its something I should do… for him… if I should instigate it…

All I know right now is that I love him unconditionally and all that matters to me is making me happy… even if it means saying goodbye… letting him go…

my beautiful roses from my tommy!!! 

 

may 24 2006 

you're beautiful...

Tommy made this day very special for me that no words can depict or explain how I feel. It’s just one of those moments that I’ll never forget. One of those moments that one should always go back to, reminisce and never let go.

I didn’t really care what our status was or is because all I cared about is being happy with each other, content and most of all and having the respect for each other. I think for me I would rather have that (happiness, contentment and respect) than having the status and none of these. He made me feel secure; he makes sure he knew what I was feeling may it be negative or positive; he wraps me around his arms and tells me over and over how much he loves being with me; he made me feel beautiful in ways that he’s not even doing on purpose. I could talk all day long and not run out of reasons why I love being around him, why I feel carefree when I’m with him, why I feel so beautiful because of him, why I feel so smart when we converse. I don’t know but whatever reasons I had before that was trying to pull me back from being with him or even wanting to be with him was just not worth it. I would rather go thru the ups and downs with him. I would rather take the risks again than not know him at all. Those reasons weren’t good enough to stop me from wanting to know him better and good thing is that I didn’t listen to myself because if I did I wouldn’t be here talking or writing about him. I would be alone talking of words that have nothingness in between them.

So my whole point is… we’re together now. I can’t stop smiling. I can’t believe I can’t remove this smile on my face.

It was so funny how he goes like okay May 24, 2006 at around 2:30 a.m. we became “us” and I go like we’re so dorky and he’s so dorky but he’s so cute when he does that.

So in the afternoon I got a call from him saying that he’s passing by my place real quick and I’m like go home and study because I know he has a lot of things to do but then I let him pass by because I missed him so much and when I saw him walking towards me he had these beautiful yellow roses and I was blushing too much that’s why I told him he’s so baduy but like I really felt special just seeing him walk towards me carrying those roses. I even told him in a joke kind of way that yellow roses meant friendship and I go like so you want to be friends and he’s like stop it and there’s a reason why they’re yellow so hold on to your horses and I’m like yeah I believe you then I handed him a letter I made for his birthday as well. I don’t know why I’m just so excited and I just want to see him all day and just stare at him too. I just can’t believe I am this happy. It’s been such a long time…

I really want this to work and I know I’m going to try my best to make it work. He’s too special for me to let go. I know that our meeting has a reason and a purpose and I know that we will influence each other to be a better person and help influence people around us as well.

I am not scared of what the future holds for us because I know we will get thru the ups and downs… together. Together we will make it thru.

I thank God for leading my way to Tommy. I thank God for sharing with me such a beautiful person, his child Tommy. I thank God for Tommy’s life and for mine as well and I know that we will use the life that we were blessed with to help others and offer everything to God… I thank God for this happiness I’m feeling right now because I don’t even think I deserve it. He's so good to me that he lead me to Tommy's path and until now he watches over me and Tommy too…

 

you

i never thought

i'd meet someone like you

i am inlove

with all the things you do

and at times i felt like giving up

you totally changed my view

i ask myself can all this be true?...

but i'll still do anything

and everything just to be with you

i'll fly any plane

and drive to any road

if it leads me back to you

though i tried to say goodbye

but i just can't let you go

you mean so much to me

you're that someone i've been waiting for...

i'll take the risk

and i'll fall for you

i know i could get hurt again

but it's all worth going thru

and when i thought love ain't real

God gave me you

and i say to myself it's too good to be true...

but i'll still do anything

and everything just to be with you

i'll fly any plane

and drive to any road

if it leads me back to you

though i tried to say goodbye

but i just can't let you go

you mean so much to me

you're that someone i've been waiting for...

and i'll do anything

and everything

so i can be with you

i will always find a way

i'll find my way

that would lead me back to you

we'll share the ups and downs

together we'll make it thru

you're all that i'm wanting

you're all that i'm needing

i just know it's you...

me and my tommy :-) 

still studying... 

studying... 

mother's day 

my tommy  

my tommy 

a week of reading...

I spent my week reading for this Thursday’s lesson and studying with Tommy at night. Reading the whole week sounds so dorky but yeah that’s all I did except for last mother’s day which was my father’s birthday wherein I went out with Tommy to eat dinner with his family but too bad his mom didn’t make it though. Finally me being grounded will end this week too and I’m kind of excited because at least I can go out again because school is making me go crazy big time. My sister went back to San Diego last week and the house just freaking sounds and feels empty now that she’s gone. I miss her so much. I miss hugging my sister at night and just seeing her and seeing her smile that brightens up my day. I am so surprised of knowing I could love a person as much as I love my sister. I mean to think we just met but then it feels like we are intertwined to each other and it’s just amazing. These are things that have transpired this week. Well nothing great or big but I’m actually happy because I got to spend time with my sister, my grandmother and Tommy too.

So people close to me have been bugging me about Tommy and asking me if we’re together. Well we’re not but honestly right now I don’t think it matters that much to me. It’s just so inconsequential to me. I just think that whatever status or whatever relationship we have right now is perfect, well close to perfection. I think all that matters to me is that we are both happy to be with each other. We share experiences and memories and we help each other, in short we add up to each other’s completion and happiness. No words or status could take that away from the both of us. I also feel like it’s really good for the both of us that we are waiting and being patient with this relationship because it’s just like a flower that you wait to bloom or a fruit that you wait for it to ripened and by saying this waiting and being patient helps our relationship grow and mature I guess… I’m not as scared as I was like weeks ago because everything in life is a risk. If I stumble, fall hard and flat on my face then I’ll stand up again and know that the next time I’ll be a better and stronger person. I’ll also be happy that I got to be with Tommy well if it doesn’t work out but I’m not thinking like a pessimist about this. Happiness is a choice and now I choose to be happy.

I bet if I read my posts before I would sound so mad at my dad but like now it’s all gone in my head. I have just become this person that learns to let go of the anger inside me because it doesn’t really make me feel any better, it doesn’t make me a better person and I don’t want to end up insecure because I’ve been keeping grudges deep inside of me. I think it’s a good thing that I have learned to forgive, live and just let go. Still to err and feel is human and I am one.

Right this moment thoughts twirling inside my head are about my career choices. So I’m on to becoming maybe a LVN, RN, RN-BSN, or whatever nurse with a specialty and because of today’s lecture I feel like maybe it’s not all about the money. This has never been my dream but then maybe I’m meant to do it. God is guiding me and maybe this is my calling. It gets hard yes it does but then everything in life is hard and something that one has never worked hard for is not really appreciated but then that’s just my opinion. I’m thinking that when time comes and I’m already taking care of people, I’m just wondering how it would feel in a way that I am surrounded with sickness or illness, people deteriorating right before my eyes, people getting weak and most of all death. I am really unsure of how I would react to this and how I would take it.

I just want to help people and I want to see them get better. I want to see smiles around me from my patients because those are the priceless moments. Moments that can never be paid with money or replaced by money…

What I’m sure of is that I do like what I’m doing right now, I am happy 100% with what I have and with myself as well, I am complete, I am whole and that God is with me all the time...

my baby sis and me ;-) 

my tommy, my baby sis and me 

a week of ups and downs...

This week has been a mix of fun and emotional breakdowns for me and I am still grounded though and I have one week to go….

My stepmum explained to me why my dad reacted in a bad way when I got home and she said like my dad would let me go anytime just that I didn’t tell him I was going home late that’s why it made him real furious… I mean I understand, I just told her that I’m not justifying what I did because I know I was wrong just that I didn’t like the way he talked to me and how he made me feel like he’s pushing me away. On a good note she said my dad and my family liked Tommy which was good and it cheered me up.

I think whatever I have with Tommy is getting deeper but then I am in a way scared of these kind of feelings. I don’t know… I’ll let time lay it out in front me so I can figure things out. It was sweet of him because he gave me a cd of Goapele after we watched the movie. I don’t know why I find myself missing him more and more as each day passes me by…

Anyways this week I watched Silent Hill with my family and Tommy and it was the worst movie I have watched this year. The worst thing about it was I lost my cell phone it the theatre and I love that phone because I have taken so many pictures from that phone right before I left the Philippines. I don’t really want to think about it anymore because when I lose something I just want to think to myself that I am going to get something better but then I can’t take the feeling away because it has a sentimental value you know.

I also cut my hair too short and I don’t want to think about it too…

I really don’t have much to say because I have to prepare for my finals and I’m getting real anxious and nervous about it. I also got into this argument with my instructor and my Filipino classmates. I don’t want to say I hate them… What I hate about them is how they act…

Ay caramba I need to do some studying…

no love, no glory...

I feel like I am turning into a hard stone…

I cannot remember the last time I cried myself to sleep… I guess it has been a long time that I have not given any thoughts or talked about my feelings and problems neither to anyone nor to myself. I am that type of person. All my life I have been used to relying to nobody else but me. I have been used to people I love the most leaving me. Don’t pity me for that though because I won’t be who I am right now if not because of accepting my trials and difficulties. I just didn’t think I would still have tears to cry, I thought I was numbed already from all the pain and hardships I have gone thru… but then I was wrong. Right before the night ended, I talked to somebody close to me, somebody who is a part of the family and I found out that she already knows what transpired this early morning at home. I got into an argument with my father because I got home 6 am. I am not going to try to justify what I did because I know I did something wrong but I cannot take away the feelings I feel right now whether they maybe good or bad. I think my dad could have talked to me in a better way, I think it’s unfair that he’s being strict with me now because where was he when I needed him? Where was he when I was growing up? Where was he when I have become this insecure little girl because of my stepmother? He was nowhere to be found. I don’t think you can blame me for thinking these thoughts. I know I have gotten over it for sure. One has to shed away the old skin for the new one to come out? But people just can’t take away the pain that occurred in my life when I was younger. They will always be a part of me. They will forever be a mark that even though I want them to be erased, they are permanent. Lasting…

Right now I’m just thinking to myself that my dad and I fought because he just cares for me but if he cares for me why wouldn’t he understand me? Why wouldn’t he even try? Why just now?

I am furious not because I got grounded or I can’t go out real late. I am furious because I want him to look at himself and think real well of the way he treated me and the way he treats me now. I want him to realize than even though all my childhood years he wasn’t there, I have grown up to be a daughter that he can be proud of. A daughter that chose to walk the straight path though she may have strayed, stumbled and have fallen hard, still she was able to pick herself up. Maybe I just want to know why he cares with my life now when he made me used to the feeling of him not being around.

I don’t think sheer suffering alone teaches a person because if it did then all of us would have the gift of wisdom and shrewd. There’s something more to sheer suffering. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable. I think that just going thru the pain and suffering isn’t enough to teach you in life because there must be an acceptance that comes with that, just like the acceptance we give to happiness when it knocks on our doors.

I am tired of getting hurt but I’m tired of thinking and being scared too. I have made my decision to just let myself go. I want to love like it’s never going to hurt. I know it hurts to love again and again. It hurts to take the risk and fall flat on your face. It hurts when you leave the one you love the most. It hurts to love and see or feel that slowly fading away. Seeing or feeling that the relationship isn’t going anywhere. All these don’t matter to me anymore. I want to live and let go. I want to love and care for another person and not just myself.

God sure has his ways of letting you see sunshine after the storm. Letting you know that there are people who care and not just the ones you worry too much about for not caring about you…

Even though this day is like one of the worst days I’ve ever had in America, I’m not enraged. The more I appreciate it because I come to realizations that clear my mind of doubts and fears. Realization that help me take the leap and get over the past and look forward to the future.

And so I thought I have turned into a hard stone… Maybe not all of me…

rhentz, erin and me 

rhentz and erin :-) 

Intricacies…

Here I am making my thoughts so complex again… It has been a long time since I have deeply loved another person. I am not saying I am right now but I’d probably would sooner or later. How did it become complex to me? It’s because I have been thinking about he same person all day long. I have been missing that person all day long. I have been wanting to see and talk to that person all day long. What is so complicated about that? That is not what I want. I don’t want to get attached because I don’t want to get hurt. I know that if I let myself fall in love again… The same thing would just happen. Oh I’m such a pessimist, and I have been saying that all day long. I’m like what if there’s something behind the idea of going out with me? What if he wants to just play around? What if… My never ending what if’s…

I guess I’m just really frightened… I guess it’s because I’m tired of getting hurt and losing the people I love most…

reaction

I appreciate the advice teej but I just think you need to know everything first so you truly understand what I mean. Indeed life here in America is way simpler than life in the Philippines filled with so much drama and bullshit. I don't even worry as much as I did when I was back home worrying on how i'm going to pay the bills or how i'm going to get the money to eat or go to school but then I had people to lean on to... In the span of time I have been here it was just work or school and nothing to do with men or circle of friends because I don't think I don't think I have both anyways. I've been so focused with work or school that sometimes I feel alone because I am really and I remembered what you said regarding happiness being a choice and I guess the whole time I've been in this country, I have chosen to be alone, sad and at times pity myself and it's just not right and I know I have to get back on track and take a hold of my life because I'm lossing ME meaning I wasn't like this before (down and sad) I used to be so talkative and full of laughter and silly jokes and I have to go back to ME...

I honestly think i have moved on specially with the idea whirling in my head since july 2005 that I will still go back to my homeland and live a simple life, a life I'm used to living. I know that everything in life is not easy and the harder you work the more you appreciate things around you but then you can't take my nostalgia away from me. It will be a part of me forever...

I just think regarding the issue with my dad is that I don't feel like I'm growing as a person. I hate relying on other people so I could do stuff and get around the place even like the simplest stuff that friends would pick me up and we'll hang out and chill, I hate the fact that they have to pick me up because I feel like in a way it's depending on them to bring me around. I'm not used to that. I've been used to taking the jeepneys, a cab or the bus to take me from point A to point B.

I'm not used to relying on my dad. i never relied on him. I think I have been used to feeling alone almost all my life and sometimes I choose to be alone instead. I'm too scared of commitments because I'm scared that people will leave... Just like my life when I was young. Me finding my mom doesn't mean everythings perfect now... It doesn't mean I don't feel alone... I only feel worst... I don't know... It saddens me after I read what I have written. To me it feels like i'm reading another person's blog because I never realized I am this sad inside of me... I just write and write and at the end it seems like another person worte it because I have always been the type of person that doesn't show people her feelings. I'm used to hiding. I guess it seems to me that i'm also in a way lying to myself... I don't know anymore...

Stop leaving and you will arrive.
Stop searching and you will see.
Stop running away and you will be found.
~Lao Tzu

frustrations

There are times when I feel like I’m being held up by my dad so tight in the neck and I kind of wish I was still in the Philippines where nobody cared what I did or sometimes I wish I chose to stay with my mum instead because she doesn’t really mind me. I don’t know I know I’m the type of person that would get over this feeling quickly but I also know that whenever I would feel it again I get so mad and frustrated not only to myself but to my dad or my family. I don’t know I just hate days like this when I feel down.

I am kind of conscious of myself when I’m with new people or like I am not like what or who I used to be. In my opinion I was a carefree type of person when I was back in the Philippines where nothing really mattered and I don’t care about the way I act because I need not to please people around me. I don’t know. I don’t want to think like I lost a big part of me and who I used to be because I still am who I am and whatever I went thru or how I was before is still me but then it kind of feels that way. It’s like sometimes when I look to the mirror I don’t see the same person. I don’t have the same energy as I used to have before. Is it because I’m not used to being around new people here or because I choose to be this way? I don’t know. I feel like I just can’t move I mean I feel tied up I don’t know why but in a way I don’t feel free. I don’t want to think I’m caught up with memories from back home because for me it’s just not right… Just not…

I don’t know if I get too silent sometimes… I don’t know if I just have nothing to say… I don’t know about other people’s feelings towards me… I honestly don’t. All I know is that I wasn’t like this but I don’t know what changed me…

I just remembered teej’s quote that happiness is a choice… We are free to choose therefore if I feel so down right now I have chosen to be this way and not be happy. Now I’m like thinking that if I choose to see guys being all the same then I choose not to fall in love again… Right?

I think I just miss life being so easy or everything so easy for me back home. Taking a cab to go clubbing or even the bus to go to the beach and not worrying about school that much. Nobody even worries about work. I mean I wish life wasn’t that complicated here… It just gets sad sometimes…

constant ramblings...

An article I just stumbled upon made me think more about the effects of immigrants, legal or illegal, staying in America. I have mixed feelings regarding this issue. In my opinion I think it’s kind of unfair to U.S. citizens or legal immigrants that illegal aliens are able to work and not have to pay the taxes because they don’t have their papers but then in my mind I’m like if they only had or have a chance of making things right I think almost all of them would fix their papers so they could work legally opening more opportunities for them even though they need to pay taxes it would still make their lives better than working illegally. Another side of me thinks that if the government would make it easy for illegal aliens to work in America then everybody would just migrate here because they think life here is way better than their native country or have the American dream instead of staying in their native country and I am not sure what effect it would bring to America if that happens. I mean I’ll put it this way, people in the Philippines thinks that life here is all that and easy and we would make jokes before that if the U.S. embassy would let Filipinos get visas I think almost everybody in the Philippines would move to America instead. Though the immigration issue is more looking onto the Mexicans or the America Mexico border I don’t think it makes a difference regarding people who came from like the Philippines on a tourist visa and they don’t come back home because for me they all stay here for a reason and that is wider range of opportunities and wanting to make their lives better. I don’t think it’s the right thing for the government to make a law that would make illegal immigrants as criminals but I think they do have to be punished in some way because it is indeed unfair for other people (punished but not treated or called as criminals because they still have done something wrong).

I liked this part though -- "You should send the entire 13 million aliens home, then you take all of the welfare recipients who are taking a free check and make them do those jobs," said Jack Culberson, a retired Army colonel who attended the Pensacola rally. "It's as simple as that." It does have a point. It’s like this the government of America will never know what they have till it’s gone meaning all the immigrants working here still makes up this country buttering each others bread but then for me I don’t know as well what the13 million illegal aliens migrating here would have an effect in this country I mean would it make America a worst place to live in? I don’t know that’s why I really couldn’t make a stand because I myself am not sure about the cause and effects in each others party. I can only give my opinion on it…

On a lighter note, I had fun today because I went out with this person I met and for some odd reason he makes me smile and because of that I am a little bit worried for myself. I just remembered like right now how pessimist I used to be because I would always tell myself before that good things never last but then what if I’m not right? What if good things last and they really happen to people who deserve it?
Just like what I always say I know how it feels to fall deeply in love but I also know how it feels to be left by the same exact person you love maybe that’s why I’m scared and I have always been after my failed relationships. I am still scared of taking risks because I don’t want to make a mistake and stumble and fall again because I might not be able to pick myself up anymore. Right now I’m just enjoying the feeling even though I can’t stop getting all paranoid, I still want to enjoy it…

I am sure I’ll find the right one… I’m not waiting for him because God will give me the person at the right time when I’m ready and willing to open up and love again. If this happened to me before I would be all hyped up and excited but now I’m not anymore coz’ I feel more nervous, tensed and paranoid than all mushy, sweet, sentimental and kilig. I still have no regrets with choices I have made in the past (may it be right or wrong) because I am who I am right now by learning from my mistakes… “Experience is the best teacher” and “What doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger”…

“It is easy to be pleasant when life flows by like a song, but the man worth while is the one who will smile when everything goes dead wrong. For the test of the heart is trouble, and it always comes with years, and the smile that is worth the praises of earth is the smile that shines through the tears.” –Irish Saying

 

There’s more to her than what meets the eye
You see a smile outside but she’s really crying inside
Take a look deeper into her and you will see
What her life has to offer…
Who and what she was…
And the person she can be…

She will be loved...

Why have I become this pessimist cynic skeptic full of doubts type of person when it comes to meeting people in the sense that you try to build a relationship and get to know each other better? I guess part of me is tired of getting hurt after giving everything I could to make the relationship work. Part of me is scared because you don’t just give your time to the other person but also your emotions and that is just to end up in a failed relationship and realize that you have wasted so much time and efforts and energy by being with the other person. Part of me is hiding and fearful of sharing myself because I feel like I’m really not what or who they think I am or that idea they make up in their heads of who I am…

I don’t even know when to think that the other person likes me or wants something more than friendship because I don’t assume. I don’t want to fall in love or I would state it in another way and that’s I don’t want to fall hard for another person because I’m really scared of failing. I’ve lost so many battles already and I don’t think I still have the energy to continue fighting and continue being strong because the only strength I have is from within me, from what I have gone thru and what I have learned because of experiences. Sometimes one gets tired too… I’m only human… Like everybody else…

Sometimes I even get too paranoid that I feel like this other person likes me because its either there is a bet or his ego he needs to prove or he wants to get in my pants. I know it’s too paranoid but I’m just trying to stay away from guys. I have fallen in love and I know what it feels and I know it’s the best feeling but I also know how it feels to lose the person you love most and it’s the worst feeling. I have taken my risks and they lead me nowhere. They caused me nothing but pain. I have taken too much risks and I’m tired.

I don’t want to fight anymore and I feel like giving up… I guess I need somebody who will fight for me…

How this night ended is making me think... Making me think too much...